The Beginning

The beginning of the disordered thinking started in the 9th grade.  I was 110 pounds but I was a size 7.  The size 7 bothered me.  I looked skinny but I didn’t feel skinny.  Most of my friends were sizes 3 or 5.  I was always wondering why I wasn’t a size 1 or 3.  To me those sizes seemed better to me.  I didn’t like to exercise or sweat.  I was in the marching band so that helped to keep me at a size 7.  I was able to eat what I wanted and not gain weight.  I’ve always have a very big sweet tooth.  At that point in my life I wasn’t going to give up sweets.  When I was little, I didn’t like to stay over at my grandparent’s house until I figured out that they would let me have 2 pieces of cake,  Then I loved to stay over at their house.  When I was sad, I loved to eat.  When I was happy, I loved to eat.  When I was mad, I loved to eat.  I was a very emotional eater.  At that time I didn’t know what an emotional eater was.  On most Saturdays growing up my mom would spend about 4 hours in the kitchen cooking food for the next week.  My dad would tell me to go in the kitchen and help my mom so I could learn how to cook.  Cooking never appealed to me.  I hated it.  The kitchen was always so hot and I hated when I would burn myself.  The fried chicken would pop and the grease would get on my arm and it would hurt.  Using the oven mitts always scared me because I could still feel the heat from the pan through the mitts.  I wouldn’t understand the real reason I didn’t like to cook until I was 31.  Like most kids, I was never big on eating fruits and vegetables.  The taste was bitter and the texture was wrong to me.  My mom had to make me eat my vegetables.  I was grateful that she never forced me to eat green beans or lima beans.  I would have to sit at the table until I at least ate a little bit of the vegetables.  She made me eat eggs too.  To this day I don’t eat eggs, green beans, or lima beans.  I haven’t eaten watermelon since the tenth grade.  My parents were having a cookout at their house.  After eating the meal, I ate two chocolate chip cookies and a slice of watermelon.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  It was probably because I ate too much.  At the time I thought it was the watermelon that made me sick.  I vowed to myself never to eat watermelon again.  There was no way on God’s green earth that I was ever going to give up chocolate chip cookies.  To this day I haven’t eaten watermelon.  When I got my first job near the end of the 11th grade, I was happy,  I did get teased, the boys would say that I had the no ass at all disease.  Before that I had never thought about my butt being flat.  I became self conscious about my butt.  I was able to maintain my size 7 until the second year of college.  That was the beginning of the yo-yo dieting that would take place for the next 11 to 12 years.

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