Room to Grow

I recently had some events happen to me that let me know that I still have some room to grow.

The first event happened a month ago.  I was whale watching and I wanted to see some whales.  It had been a long time since whales had been spotted.  By now I know that nothing is guaranteed with whale watching.  You could go whale watching every day and see something different or see nothing.  Nature is not scripted and if you do see something then you were meant to see it.

A month ago, we ended up seeing some Risso’s dolphins.  I have never seen any of those dolphins.  The captain and the photographer said that they hadn’t seen those dolphins in Newport Beach.  I was grateful and happy that I saw them but there was another part of me that was sad that I didn’t see any whales.

The other situation happened a few weeks ago.  I went up to Seattle to whale watch.  I was hoping to see the killer whales.  The killer whale season in Seattle is from the end of June through September.  I was within the season.  Even the resident killer whales are not a guarantee to be seen because their food source has been on the decline.  Unfortunately I didn’t see any killer whales but we did see some Dall’s porpoises.  I was also sad that day.  The reason I was sad was because I had wanted to see the killer whales because I had had a horrible dream about them about a month ago.  In the dream, every killer whale in the world wanted to kill me.  Usually when I dream about killer whales, they help me and protect me.  I wanted to see them so that I could feel better.  Then I read the whale blog on the whale watching company’s website and they saw some killer whales the very next day.  I just wasn’t meant to see the killer whales.

In each of those situations, I got to see something that rarely happens.  It wasn’t what I wanted to see but it was what I was meant to see.  These situations taught me that I still have room to grow.  Growing to be more thankful for what I do see.  I’m not going to stop wanting and traveling to see killer whales, which are my favorite animal.  But I am going to try to stop being sad when I don’t see what I want to see and be grateful for what I do see.  

Is there a situation where you know that you could grow?

 

Hindsight

If I had of known what was going to happen in 2020, I would have traveled more last year.  I didn’t travel because I knew that I was going to be in California in 2020 and I was going to travel a lot then.  Some psychics knew.  But you can’t prove a psychic right until the event happens until then it is just a dream or something that people think they made up.

Some people wear glasses or contacts to get 20/20 vision.  20/20 vision is perfect vision.

One of the lessons that I learned from 2020 is that some of the things that used to work for me, don’t work for me anymore.  I’m seeing very clearly what works and what doesn’t.  The things that are happening in 2020 are also teaching me that my actions can affect other people.

Another lesson that 2020 has taught me is hindsight really is 20/20.

I recently had another nurse ask me if my decision to stop dating helped me to get to know myself.  I told her yes.  It took me years to make that decision but that it helped me to get to know myself.  I used to put my boyfriend’s needs above my own needs.  I told her the story of my first boyfriend.

When my first boyfriend’s car broke down, I told him that I would drive him to work and pick him up until he got his car fixed.  He worked an hour away from his job.  At the time, I also had an 8 am college class.  I had to get him to work at 7 am.  I got myself up at 5 am and got to his house by 6 am.  At the time, I had a Plymouth Neon which was horrible on gas mileage.  I ended up having to fill up every day.  Just 4 hours of driving on the highway would deplete my gas tank to empty.

What happened to my 8 o’clock class?  I was always late for it.  I could make it there by 8:15 but never any earlier.  The traffic would get bad around 7 am with every one else trying to get to work.  The teacher could have kicked me out of the class because I was always late but thankfully he didn’t.

I took him to work for about a month and then I had to stop.  I couldn’t afford the gas.  I was only working one part time job at that time.

The old Shavawn didn’t see a problem with that.  Putting her college class in jeopardy wasn’t even a concern for her at the time.  She needed to be there for her boyfriend so that he wouldn’t lose his job.  The current Shavawn sees a concern with putting her dreams in jeopardy for a boyfriend.

In hindsight, I can say with certainty that giving up dating to get to know myself was the right decision.  At the time that I was making the decision, I didn’t really want to stop dating but I knew that it would help me.  At that time, I just wanted to be in love, in a relationship, and be married.  I put my boyfriend’s needs above my own and that wasn’t going to help me to get to know myself and get to know what I wanted and needed.

Is there a decision that you have struggled with that now you can say with certainty that it was the best decision for you?

I also told the nurse when I was making the decision to stop dating that I was with a great guy.  My ex got along with my family and my family liked him.  He was even talking about marriage.  I told the nurse that it is sometimes hard to find a guy that fits into your family.  His family was also close by too.  We could spend the holidays with both of our families and not have to choose which one to spend the holidays with.  At the time, I wanted to be married but I also knew that I really didn’t know myself.

This year is teaching me a lot.

What worked for me in the past, may not work for me now.  I will no longer put my needs on the back burner and ignore them.  I need to take care of my needs so that I can take care of and help other people.

What lessons has 2020 taught you so far?  I want to hear about it.

New Normal

I’ve been thinking about the world a lot lately.  I’ve been hearing a lot of people say that they want things to get back to normal soon.  While I would like that but I think that we all may have to adjust to a new normal until this virus is under control.

When I first got diagnosed with alopecia, all I wanted was to go back to normal.  I didn’t want to have to face a new normal for myself.  In this society, to be beautiful women are told to wear makeup, be a certain size, and have long flowing hair.  I don’t wear makeup and I struggle to be a certain size.  If I didn’t have long flowing hair, was I going to be attractive to men or to myself.  I had just fallen in love with myself and I couldn’t see myself without hair.  I worked with my life coach through my issues and I accepted my alopecia.  I don’t know if my alopecia will return in the future but I hope it won’t.  It was a grieving process that I went through.  I had to get used to having a huge bald spot on my head.

This week, I was had been planning to take the train to Seattle and go whale watching.  I decided that it wasn’t a good idea.  I work with covid patients and it is getting worse in the area that I’m in.  It wouldn’t be safe to travel right now.  I want to be able to travel but I have to not only think about myself but other people as well.  This is the new normal that I have to get used to.  I don’t like wearing a mask at work and when I go outside, but I do it because it helps.

Life is just a series of getting used to a new normal. 

For example, getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend is a new normal to adjust to.  Going through a break up is adjusting to a new normal.  Losing weight and eating healthy is a new normal to adjust to.  Getting diagnosed with a disease will be a new normal.  Getting a new job will be adjusting to a new normal.  Buying a new house will be a new normal to adjust to.  Getting a new haircut is a new normal to adjust to.  Getting a bald spot or losing hair is a new normal to adjust to.  Not being able to be with a loved one that is in the hospital is a new normal to adjust to.  Being a travel nurse and moving every 3 months is a new normal to get used to.

Sometimes adjusting to a new normal is not welcome like this pandemic.  Sometimes a new normal will thrust us into the grieving process.  Sometimes a new normal will change our lives for the better.

I learned that the more I try to fight a new normal the harder I make my life.

Right now a lot of people are adjusting to a new normal at the same time.  This virus has changed the way a lot of people are operating today.  I now have to wear a mask when I go whale watching, even when out on the ocean.

It does help to have someone to talk to about adjusting to a new normal.  That’s why I have a life coach.  If you need help, I am here for that too.  I’m training to be a life coach.  Message me if you would like details.

 

Trauma

I was recently having a talk with my life coach.

I was explaining to her that I was nervous and proud of my parents.  My parents had attended a march for civil rights.  I was proud that they went but there was another part of me that was scared for them.  We are still in a global pandemic and my mother has respiratory issues.  I was nervous that she would catch the corona virus.  If she had told me before she attended the march, I may have tried to talk her out of going.

My life coach told me that my trauma working as a nurse was leaking into my relationships.

I thought about that.  As a nurse, I do experience trauma on the job.  There are a lot of emotional trauma and even some physical trauma.  I had seen some nurses physically hurt by patients and family members.  It is emotionally hard to see another nurse get hurt at work and then you still have to finish your shift.  It is emotionally hard on nurses to see patients die with no family or friends around them right now.  Nurses can talk about it with other nurses but most of the time we can’t share it with anyone else except for a therapist.  Most hospitals have a counselor but most nurses don’t use them.  I know that I’ve never used the counselor at work.

I’ve been a nurse for 15 years and I have seen some things.  I bet most nurses could say that as well.

Nurses have to wear a lot of different hats.  We have to be not only a nurse but a therapist, wound care nurse, patient advocate, and those are just a few of the hats we have to wear at work.  We can’t share most of the things that we go through because of the laws.  That is why it’s so hard to tell someone who isn’t in the medical field exactly what you do.

I also realized that it makes my life easier to live when my parents are in good health.  My life would change drastically if they got sick, especially if they were sick with the corona virus.  There is no cure or vaccine right now for the corona virus, I would just have to watch them suffer if they got sick.  I don’t know if they would be the lucky ones to have no symptoms with the virus.  That is why I was so nervous when they went to that march.  I do understand that we are also in another pandemic with racism.  I just don’t want anything bad to happen to my parents.  I just have to believe that as the Universe always takes care of me, then the Universe will also always take care of my parents.

I would say that most nurses have some emotional trauma from work.  It would do us all good if we got a therapist to talk about what we go through.  It may not be enough just talking with the other nurses.  That is one of the reasons that I trained to be a life coach to help nurses.

My Story

I recently had another nurse ask me a question at work.  She asked me if she could ask me a question because I seemed comfortable being by myself.

She then told me that she felt like she wanted to be by herself to get to know herself but she was in a relationship.  She said she had never been alone.

I told her my story.

I told her that I used to define myself by the romantic relationships that I was in.  I hadn’t been by myself since high school until I took the time to be alone and get to know myself.  That was a process that took some time.

The last relationship that I was in was to a good man.  We didn’t really have a lot of issues.  I knew that I had to break up with him when he started to talk about marriage.  I wanted to get married but I knew that I wasn’t really ready at that time.  I didn’t know myself and I was still dealing with my eating disorder.

I knew that I needed to be alone so that I could get to know myself but I was afraid to be alone.

Who was I without being in a romantic relationship?  Who was I going to be?  Would I like myself when I was alone?  Could I deal with my eating disorder?

These questions kept haunting me.

The other scary part was that I wouldn’t know the answer to those questions until I took the leap and took the time to be by myself.  

So ten years ago, I took the leap and decided that I was going to take as much time as I needed to get to know myself and get help with my eating disorder.  That was the best decision that I made.

At first, I didn’t like being by myself.  I realized that I liked being in relationships because it helped me to ignore my problems.  I was ok in my eyes when I was in a relationship.

I told the other nurse that I had to confront my problems but that it helped me in the long run.  I was able to get help for my eating disorder.  It also helped me to get really clear about what I needed in a relationship.  In my past relationships, I didn’t really know what I was looking for and needed.  Now that I know myself, it has helped me to know what I need in a romantic relationship.

To get comfortable in being by myself, I also had to learn how to go in public and do things by myself.  I started off with just going to the movies by myself.  I would only go during the week and when the movie had been in the theaters for a long time.  I also would only go when the theater first opened in the morning.  That way I knew that there would not be too many people in the theater.  Doing that small action helped me to get comfortable doing things by myself.  I knew that I eventually wanted to be a travel nurse and I wouldn’t have a partner to go with me.

After telling her my story, she thanked me and said that that was exactly what she needed to hear.  I was proud that my story could help her.  I don’t know what she decided but that is irrelevant.  I like to think that my story helped her to make a decision that was best for her.

That is one of the reasons that I started this blog.  To share my story and maybe help someone with it.

Just remember that your story can help another person.  So when someone asks, don’t be afraid to tell.  She came to me because she saw and heard that I had done things by myself.

Self Source Scale

I have recently gained a little weight and I was mentally beating myself up for it.  I was weighing myself at least 3 times a week.

I had a talk with my life coach, Karlee, and I explained what I was doing.

I told her all the reasons that I was gaining weight.  I’m not moving my body as much.  At work, I usually get between 5 and 6 miles a day.  I’m now getting between 3 and 4 miles a day.  We are trying to save PPE, so we aren’t going into the rooms as much now.  The cafeteria is bringing up food for us since we can no longer go to the cafeteria.  We are getting a lot of food donations from restaurants.  There is one charge nurse who makes sure that us vegetarians and vegans have something to eat.  She will go as far as writing our names and saving us some food.  I felt like since she was taking care and looking out for me then I had to eat the food, even if I had brought my lunch.

My life coach said something so profound and simple, I had wondered why I had not thought of it.

I don’t have to eat the food that is brought just because I want them to know that I appreciate it.  I can use my words.  I can verbally tell that charge nurse thank you or I could write a note to her.  I really do appreciate what she does.  I had forgot my lunch one day and she wasn’t there and I only had a salad waiting for me.  The salad had some meat in it, so I had to pick out the meat.  I can also give the food to someone else.  I don’t have to eat it.  I was afraid that she would stop looking out for me or that she would be disappointed in me, if I didn’t eat the food.

I will not disappoint myself to avoid disappointing other people.  

My life coach also asked me why I was weighing myself.  I answered that I wanted to know where my weight was.  I equated my weight with how much I was showing myself love and taking care of myself.  I have been exercising after work because I know that I’m not getting as many steps as I’m use to at work.  I did tell her that I do feel stronger since I started to exercise after work.  My intention was good but it wasn’t making me feel any better about myself.

Again she said something so profound and simple.

A scale can only tell you a number.  It can’t encompass all that I am.  That scale can’t tell you that you have been taking care of yourself mentally or spiritually.  The scale can’t tell me that I need to call someone and talk.  The scale can’t tell me that I went whale watching.  The scale can’t tell me that I have been kind to myself.  That scale can’t tell me that I’m a good nurse.

My body is stressed like it has never been stressed before.  I have never dealt with the corona virus before.  I go to work and I’m stressed because I don’t know if we will have enough PPE for the day.  I worry about getting exposed.  She said that when you body is stressed, it craves food that you wouldn’t normally crave.  When my body is stressed, I crave cake more.  I have been fighting it and then when I do indulge, I over do it because I have been fighting the craving for so long.

That was the reason that I had been stepping on the scale more than usual.  I know that I had gained weight.  I was mentally beating myself up for not being strong like I usually am.  Usually I can say no to the sweets that are brought in to work.  Lately I haven’t been.

We came up with another idea.  The Self Sourced Scale.  The Self Source Scale is a series of questions that will help me to know if I’m taking care of myself.

Here is the Self Source Scale:

  1.  Do I feel physically strong?
  2.  Do I have enough energy to do the things that I want to do?
  3.  Am I getting enough sleep and am I sleeping well?
  4.  Have I meditated today?
  5.  Am I doing something that feels good today? (Like listening to music)
  6.  Am I calm and peaceful?
  7.  Am I giving myself grace?

With these questions, I can tell if I’m taking care of myself and not beat myself up mentally.

A scale can only tell me a number, it can’t tell me everything about myself.  As a woman, I think that we equate our weight with our happiness and self worth.  I know I did that when I was battling my eating disorder.  The number on the scale would tell me if I was going to have a good or a bad day.  If the number was where I wanted it to be, I was going to have a good day.  If the number wasn’t where I wanted it to be, then I was going to have a bad day and I was not going to eat a lot that day.

A number on a scale, can’t tell the whole picture of a person.

Now I can stop beating myself up and have compassion with myself.  I have to find a new normal because I’m not in a normal situation with this virus.  What worked for me before this virus, may not work for me right now.  I have to find new ways to take care of myself.  I usually go whale watching at least once a week.  I realized that being around water helps to calm me.  I haven’t been around the ocean in about 2 months.  I have to find other ways to take care of myself.  Maybe I can listen to the sound of the ocean on video or watch old whale watching videos.

I encourage every one to use the Self Source Scale.  I know I will be using it.   Let me know if it helps you.

The Year of the Nurse

Florence Nightingale is the founder of modern nursing.

The year 2020 is being designated as the Year of the Nurse.  What a year it has been so far.

My life coach quoted me something that I would like to share.  I don’t know the author.

A young man dies for a cause and a wise man lives for a cause.

That quote helped me to make my own quote about nursing right now.

A dead nurse takes care of no patients and a quarantined nurse can take care of no patients.

These quotes got me to thinking about my meaning of the Year of the Nurse.

Maybe this is the year that nurses realize that they are human.  By that I mean that their lives matter too.  You don’t have to be a martyr for your patients.  You don’t have to prove to anyone that you are a “good” nurse.

When I started to take care of myself, I realized that I also became a better nurse for my patients.  When I took my lunch breaks and bathroom breaks, I was less hurried and less tired at the end of the shift.  I had a clear head and was able to make better decisions.  I also decided that working a lot of overtime wasn’t helping me to take care of myself.  I needed more days off to recuperate.  Nursing is mentally, physically, and emotionally draining at times.  My days off are for getting myself back into tip top mental, physical, and emotional shape so that I can be the best me that I can be.

During nursing school, I think is when I started to think that is was okay to put my needs behind the patient’s needs.  During nursing school, I remember a teacher telling me to always bring something to eat for lunch that didn’t have to go into the microwave and that you could stand up and eat.  At the time this made so much sense to me.  Looking back now, I would ask why can’t I sit down and eat my lunch.  Going to the hospitals during nursing school, I would see the busy nurses and some of them didn’t take their lunch breaks because they were so busy and stressed out.  My idea of what nursing was was born in nursing school.

I can see how this thinking led to my burn out and stress.  This thinking lead me to not take my lunch breaks or bathroom breaks.  My first hospital job told me when I was hired to put a letter into the manager when I didn’t get to take my lunch break so that I would get paid for not taking my lunch break.  After the second time that I did that, I was called into the office.  The manager then said that I had a time management problem.  She wanted me to start taking my lunch breaks.  It was hard to take my lunch breaks when I had between 6-7 patients.  After getting called into the office, I just stopped putting in the notices to my manger that I didn’t get my lunch breaks.  I worked for free during my lunch breaks.

It is okay for nurses to put themselves first.  Even before your patients.  I know that may shock a lot of nurses but for me that is true.

For example, when I didn’t take my lunch breaks, I would feel physically weak by the end of the shift.  I would have a headache and my eyes would burn.  I didn’t drink enough water.  I felt like a dried sponge.  When I started to take my lunch breaks and drink water, those symptoms went away.  When I get my patient some water, I drink a glass of water too.  That simple act of getting water helped me to see myself as human and worthy of being taken care of.  No one was going to take of me for me.

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself first.

Nurses think that if they put themselves first then they are a bad nurse.  It doesn’t make you a bad nurse.  It doesn’t make you a bad nurse to say no to working overtime.  It doesn’t make you a bad nurse to refuse to take a patient assignment that you feel is dangerous for you.  Eight patients for one nurse is too many patients.  It is okay to say no to that.

I know we are going through a pandemic right now but it is still okay to take care of yourself first.  It is not selfish but necessary at this time.  You will be more effective when you are well rested, eating healthy, and exercising.  You won’t be as effective when you are tired, eating unhealthy, and not exercising.

Nurses I implore you to make this the Year of the Nurse.  See yourself as valuable.  See yourself as worthy of the same care that you give to your patients.  It is okay to be compassionate to yourself.  It is okay to be kind to yourself.  It is okay to take the time to love yourself.  It is okay to get the rest that your body needs.  It is okay to take a day off during this rough time.  It is okay to drink water at work.  It is okay to take a lunch break.  It is okay to take a bathroom break.  It is okay to say no to working overtime if you don’t want to.  It is okay not to allow yourself to be burnt out.  It is okay to take care of your mental health.

It is okay to take care of yourself first.

Questions

I know every one knows about the coronavirus.  We hear about it on the news almost constantly.

I can’t deny that I’m nervous about the situation especially since I’m a nurse.  I recently opened up to my life coach about it.  She then asked me to think about my personal rules regarding covid-19.

What am I willing to do during this crisis and what am I not willing to do during this crisis?

I thought about this question and a phrase kept coming to me.

A dead nurse takes care of no patients.  A quarantined nurse can take care of no patients.

One of my personal rules for this pandemic is to not put myself in danger.  If I don’t have a mask then I cannot take care of a corona virus patient.  I took an oath to help my patients.  Sometimes to help my patients it would mean saying no to putting myself at risk to catch the virus.  Going into a room with a positive patient without a mask would mean that I could become a way to spread the virus to not only my other patients but to the my co-workers as well.  I took an oath to do no harm.  Spreading the virus around would not be doing no harm.

There is a divide in nursing that I’m seeing right now.  Some nurses are saying to stop complaining about having no PPE and take care of the patients.  This is what nurses signed up for.  Other nurses are saying that we didn’t sign up for this and it is okay to say no to taking care of a patient without proper PPE.

I’m not going to judge any nurse for making a decision that is best for that nurse.

I know that during a pandemic we are going to be doing things differently than normal.  I will just make my own personal rules for my life.

Other people may not like them but I’m not going to put my life in danger to prove to anybody that I’m a good nurse.

I urge every one that reads this to think about your own personal rules for this pandemic.  I don’t want the human race to lose its humanity during this pandemic.  It is still okay to help other people also while keeping yourself safe.

The year of 2020 has been designated as the “Year of the Nurse”.  While I really didn’t know what that meant at first but I now know what it means to me.  Maybe this will be the year that nurses start to see themselves as human beings instead of martyrs.  As a nurse it is okay to take care of yourself.  It is okay to put yourself first.  A healthy nurse can take better care of the patients than a sick or dead nurse.  It is okay for a nurse to practice self care.  It is okay for a nurse to say no and to stop working overtime.  It is okay for a nurse to say no to taking care of a patient without proper PPE.  It is okay for a nurse to make a decision that is best for that nurse even if no one else likes it and even if someone else says that that nurse isn’t a good nurse.  It is okay for a nurse to put themselves in danger if that nurse so chooses to do so.

Every one has a different definition of a good nurse.  I have been told in the past that nurses aren’t supposed to smile and they are supposed to be matter of fact.  Some of my patients have told me that they like the fact that I smile because the hospital is already so dreary and sad.

I’m not going to put my life on the line to prove to anybody that I’m a “good” nurse.

I do think that every nurse needs to ask themselves some questions right now.

What are they willing to do and not willing to do during this pandemic?

The answer to the question might just save some lives.

 

Soaring

About 2 months ago, I went paragliding.

While up in the air, he said that when he saw hawks that would let him know where the good wind was.  He said they use the wind to fly.

The next day, I opened the blinds and saw a hawk flying.  I stood there until I couldn’t see it anymore.  I observed that it indeed didn’t flap it wings.  It soared with the wind.  I didn’t see it flap its wings for a good 5 minutes.  I was mesmerized.

I learned something in that moment while looking at the hawk fly.

When I allow God/Universe to help me I can soar without having to expend my energy by trying to “flap my wings.”

I try to do some things by myself but when I ask for help from God/Universe, I get help and I don’t have to try so hard.  I have been trying to fly but not use the wind.  The hawk can fly without continuously flapping its wings because it knows to use the wind.  It trusts the wind to help it fly.

For example, I was trying to write a copy for my new website.  I was going to use the old template from my other website.  I was having trouble coming up with the words for the copy.  I asked God/Universe to help me.  A few days later, I just sat down and did the copy in a day and a half.  The words just flowed.  I had been trying for some days to write the copy.

I’m comfortable asking God/Universe to help me write things like this blog and my new website.  I don’t know why I’m not comfortable asking God/Universe for help with the big things in life.  I just sort of try to do those things on my own.  I know God/Universe always takes care of me.  I also know that I’m guided.  Following the signs always leads me to where I need to be.  It never fails.  I guess I’m not comfortable because sometimes the signs don’t come when I want them to come.  Sometimes it takes a while and that sometimes makes me nervous.

I’ve learned that in order to soar high, I have to use the help of God/Universe to get to where I need to be.  That means use God/Universe in every aspect of my life.  I know that that will only help me to soar higher than I could go on my own.

Magic happens when I allow God/Universe to help.  So I’m going to use that.

What can you use help with in your life?

Maybe you can ask for help from your higher power.  You might find that your higher power can help you soar.

 

 

Courage

I recently heard my life coach say that she rarely feels courageous when doing something courageous.

That resonated with me.

When I think about some of the courageous things that I have done I also didn’t feel courageous while doing them.

I went paragliding last Sunday.

So, I’m standing there staring at the edge of the cliff that I’m about to run towards, I wasn’t feeling so courageous.  Yes, I wanted to fly but I was afraid to run.  After I ran towards the cliff and then started to fly, I felt so amazed at myself for doing it.

After getting up into the air, I was fine.  I was having so much fun.  We were soaring above some hawks too.  Now that I know the process, I will definitely do it again.  If you want to watch the video you can look up fly with Jordan on Facebook or Instagram.

Another situation that happened this week, where I didn’t feel courageous was having to tell my landlord that I would be moving at the end of the month.  I had originally told him that I needed to rent his room until the beginning of May.  The price of the room is too high.  I picked it because it is only 5 minutes from the hospital.  Talking to the other travel nurse and the manager, I found some other places that are cheaper.  If I stayed in this room, I will have to work an extra day to make any money.

When I told my landlord, he said that he could drop the price.  The price was still not cheaper than the other place that I had found.  He told me to think about it and get back to him the next day.  I felt bad because I knew that I was still going to choose the other place even though its 15 minutes from the hospital.

The next day I was so nervous, I wanted to text him my choice.  I decided I needed to tell him in person.  I need to learn how to say no in person more often.  I won’t always be able to text my answer.  This move to the other place makes sense for me.  I won’t have to work any over time at this place and I can still make some money.  My landlord is nice and so is his family.  I feel bad for leaving but I need to do what is right for me. That is one of the reasons that I only book for a month at a time.  Just in case I don’t like the place I can find another place.

After I told him in person, I felt lighter.  I felt good about what happened.  I know he wanted me to choose his place but that would have put me in a situation where I would have to work extra every week.  I don’t like to work extra unless I have to.  I’m proud of myself for not taking the easy way out and texting my answer.

Think about some of the courageous things that you have done in your life.  Did you feel courageous while you were doing those things?