This letter is dedicated to my life coach, Karlee Fain.  Without your help and support, this would not be possible.

Dear Bad Sugars and hydrogenated oils,

We have to break up.  It is you and not me.  You suck.  You take me on an emotional roller coaster.  Your hydrogenated oil had me feeling like an addicted crack addict.  I was longing for your taste and unlasting comfort.  You literally had my emotions going up and down all day, every day.  The minute I tasted you, I would feel like I was on top of the world.  After the high was over, I would feel guilty and tired.  I would feel like I needed a nap, even if I had just gotten up.  You had my waistline expanding.  You had me feeling like a hypocrite while talking to my patients about their diets.  I allowed you to take my dreams from me.  I allowed you to change me into a person that I didn’t recognize.  You had me feeling unlovable and ugly.  I’ve allowed you to take my power for too long.  I’m taking it back.  I will be living a new life.  You are not invited.  I’m taking my health back too.  You cannot have that.  I will not let you destroy my body anymore.  Since I’ve let you go, I’m no longer tired.  I haven’t had to take a nap in months.  I’m exercising now.  I’m no longer on an emotional roller coaster.  My waistline has gotten smaller.  I’m living my dreams.  I’m no longer feeling ugly or unlovable.  I’m actually felling beautiful and strong.  I fell in love with this woman who I’ve become since leaving you.  My eyes are now open to the beauty of this world that I had been blinded to.  I’m out of my comfort zone and I’ve never felt so alive.

No Love,

Shavawn Boyer

Eating My Dreams

 

I used to eat my dreams.

One Krispy Kreme at a time.

The doughnuts never cared what I looked like.

They never cared whether I spoke up or not.

Krispy Kreme couldn’t judge me.

I allowed them to slowly eat away at my dreams.

How could I be a travel nurse and leave them behind?

So I sat there and swallowed my voice.

All the while trapped inside myself.

Screaming inside but no one could hear me but me.

One day I decided to listen to this woman inside of me.

I listened to her dreams and what she wanted to be.

I dreamed of her at night.

Once I listened to her, I couldn’t ignore her anymore.

I had to stop eating my dreams.

I put my boxing gloves on and fought for the woman inside.

No longer was this eating disorder going to stop my dreams.

No longer was I going to allow it to steal my voice.

I put my trust in God and started to tell my story.

The woman inside of me and I are now one.

I’m no longer eating my dreams, I’m living them.

I’m free.

 

Shavawn Boyer

 

So this Monday, I was having a very bad craving for doughnuts and some muffins.  So I did something that really surprised me.  I had an 11 am appointment that I was early for.  I got out really early.  While I was driving down the highway, I started to think about why I was craving those foods.  My life coach had said that when you crave soft foods that you’re really craving comfort.  While I was thinking about my feelings, I realized that I missed my family and friends.  The last time I saw my family was 2 days before Christmas.  I saw my friends about a month and a half ago.  On the spur of the moment decision, I decided to go to the park.  I had only been there once before, but I made it there without my GPS.  I didn’t have my journal but I had some paper and I just started to write in my journal sitting on a bench right next to the lake.  I saw some geese, ducks, and a quail.  It felt like I was comforting myself but I wasn’t medicating myself with food.  I was with God and nature.  It was a very healing experience.  I’ve discovered that I love being out in nature.  It makes me feel closer to God.  Being around water also makes me feel very calm.  I was born in July so I’m a cancer, which is a water sign.  God speaks to us in many different ways.  Even seeing those animals has a meaning.  My spirit animal is the killer whale.

One of the reasons that I decided to lose weight is because I was tired of feeling like a hypocrite.  Some times at work I would have to teach my patients about their diets.  Every time that I had to do this I would feel like a hypocrite.  I was 180 pounds and obese.  My health coach told me that when you’re obese, you wear that issue everyday.  People know that you have an issue with food.  My patients could tell that I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I would walk up one flight of stairs and be breathing like I just ran a marathon.  I wouldn’t take advice from a fat nutritionist.  Why should I have expected my patients to take my advice when it was so obvious that I wasn’t adhering to a diet.  If I wanted to see my patients change, then I was going to have to be the change that I wanted to see.  I’m not where I want to be with my weight but now I can tell my patients that it will be hard but you can do it.  I no longer feel like a hypocrite when I’m teaching my patients.  I can be truthful with them when I say it’s going to be hard.  There are going to be days when you don’t want to eat that salad.  There are going to be days when you don’t feel like exercising.  I still have days like that when I don’t want to eat that salad or drink that smoothie.  I have to show myself love and loving myself means treating myself to good food and exercise.  I just ate a muffin but I’m going to exercise and eat a healthy lunch and dinner.  I still eat a muffin or pizza from time to time.  For the most part, I eat healthy foods.  I tell my patients that it’s about moderation.  You can still go out to eat, just don’t have the fried foods or don’t eat the whole portion that they give you.  Take some home for lunch or dinner the next day.

As soon as I heard about travel nursing, I knew that that was my dream job.  In LPN school, a travel nurse came to talk to us.  My soul lit up when she was talking.  It took me 10 years to become a travel nurse.  I let so many things get in the way of my dreams. The biggest thing was my weight.  I didn’t want to be a fat travel nurse.  I didn’t want the new people that I would meet, to meet the fat Shavawn.  I wanted them to meet the new and improved me.  I had an opportunity about 2 years ago to become a travel nurse.  I put it off because I was still fat.  With the help of my life coach, I realized that I didn’t need to be skinny to be a travel nurse.  I could go after my dreams while still losing weight.  It was time to stop putting my dreams on hold so that I could lose weight.  I’ve lost 20+ pounds and I’m on my first assignment as a travel nurse.  I’m not where I want to be in the weight department but I’m getting there.  I’m 2 months into my first travel nurse assignment and I can officially say that I was born to be a travel nurse.  I love it.  I can’t believe that I let my weight get in the way of this dream.  Someone told me recently that being a travel nurse agrees with me.  I look relaxed and happy.  I wasn’t happy when I was working in a permanent position because I knew that I could be a travel nurse.  I was dying on the inside everyday because I was putting my dreams on hold.  The reasons that I was putting my dreams on hold weren’t valid.  I’m so glad that I finally got the courage to pursue this dream.