I Wasn’t Ready
I recently had a conversation that got me thinking.
When I was in my twenties, I thought that I was ready to fall in love and be in a relationship. Looking back, I wasn’t ready.
How could I ask someone else to love me, when I didn’t love myself?
I didn’t know myself. I was trying to find out who I was. I was scared to know myself. What if I didn’t like what I found?
I used to hate when other people would point out my flaws. I remember when my best friends used to point them out, I would just leave and go home. I didn’t know how to handle what they were telling me.
The truth is that everybody has flaws.
The first step that I took to get to love and know myself, was to get help. In my opinion, most people could benefit from having a life coach at some point in their lives. The second step was to eat healthy because that would affect my mood. The third step was to change the way I talked to myself. I had to let go of all the negative talking that I would do to myself. Like my life coach asked me, “If I wouldn’t say those things to my patients, then why would I say it to myself?” In the past, I remixed the song, “I’m beautiful”, to I’m ugly. I would sing that to myself in my head. I stopped doing that to myself. I’m a beautiful person, inside and out.
When I started to fall in love with myself then I accepted myself, flaws and all. I may not be the prettiest, smartest, fastest, or richest, but I can be Shavawn like no one else can be. I jokingly call myself the Queen of the World with a co-worker. In reality, I am the Queen of my world. I can’t let other peoples opinion of me effect me. To some of my patients, I’m a good nurse. To other patients, I’m a bad nurse. I know that I did the best that I could do.
Now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve fallen in love with myself. I’m a work in progress and I love the life that I’m cultivating. I’m noticing that people want to be around me more. I can tell that my energy is different.
Now I feel like I am ready for love. Not just romantic love, but family love, friendship love, and most importantly loving myself. Not loving myself, affected every relationship that I had. I didn’t know how to love other people because I wasn’t loving myself. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of receiving love. It was easy for me to give love to other people and take care of other people.
Now that I love myself, I let what other people say about me, roll off my back. Recently I had a patient tell me her opinion of me. It wasn’t good but I don’t even remember what she said. I do remember telling her that she had the right to think that about me but her opinion of me wasn’t going to change the way I thought of myself. The next day I had that same patient again and she apologized to me. I accepted her apology and moved on. In the old days, I would have been devastated and tried to prove to her that that opinion was unjustified.
I love myself, flaws and all.
I’m letting God know that I’m ready.