Freaking Out and Doing it Anyway

I was recently asked how do I get the courage to do some of the things that I’ve done by myself.

I told one person that I had to go in baby steps.  I used to be scared to go anywhere on my own.  I started small by going to the movie theater by myself.  I went in the middle of the day when I knew there was not going to be a lot of people there.  Now I actually like going to the movie theater in the middle of the day by myself.  Its like I have the movie theater to myself.  That led to being a solo travel nurse.  I was freaking out inside before doing those things but I wanted to do them anyway.  I wanted to be a travel nurse ever since I wanted to be a nurse.  I love to travel.  If I was scared to do things on my own, how was I going to become a travel nurse.

Like my life coach told me, courage isn’t the absence of fear.  Courage is having fear but still doing what you want.

I had to learn to acknowledge the fear.  Before I did my very first open mic poetry reading, I was so nervous.  I had invited some friends.  I was contemplating on not showing up because I was so scared but I also wanted to do it.  So before I got on stage, I had a talk with my guardian angels and told them to help me.  The fear was still there but it had lessened.  After doing my performance, I felt great.  I had faced my fear of public speaking.

Before I went skydiving recently, I was so nervous.  I was actually looking to do indoor skydiving because I had seen one of my Facebook friends do it.  The skydiving place was just 15 minutes from where I was staying.  I just decided to do the real skydiving.  The night before I went, I couldn’t sleep.  I was scared and nervous.  I literally talked to my fear inside my head.  I asked what I was scared of and why did I feel that way.  After I did that my fear lessened.  I was able to go to sleep and rest.  The next day I went skydiving.  Before they let me go skydiving, they wanted me to watch a safety video.  My feared came back.  By that time, I had already paid so I was going to go.  There was no refund at that point.  I had another talk with my fear.  Stepping out of the plane at 13,000 feet was scary.  I didn’t want to back out.  So I closed my eyes and let the instructor lead me.  It lasted probably 10 minutes.  I realized that my fear of the event was gone.  I had a lot of fun flying through the air.

I haven’t regretted doing something that I wanted to do but was scared to do at first.  I now use that fear to my advantage.

I was freaking out inside but I did it anyways.

 

 

 

 

Finding the Beauty

I went hiking today and learned a lesson.

As I was walking up the mountain, a beautiful black and blue butterfly flew in front of me for a while.

I realized that I’m like that butterfly right now.  Life is dealing me some punches right now, leaving me black and blue, but still beautiful.  I’m still living and learning.

On the way to the mountain, it looked like it was going to start raining.  I still wanted to go.  I made it to the top of the mountain and the clouds were coming in and the thunder and lightning had started.  It was such a beautiful sight.  It didn’t start raining until I was in the parking lot when I was done.  God takes care of me even in the midst of the storm.

I recently read a book, A Short Course in Happiness After Loss, by Maria Sirois.  Before I even opened the book, the cover photo spoke to me.  The cover photo is of a bowl with gold in the cracks of it.  I remembered in the Japanese culture, if an object breaks, the cracks are filled with gold.  The cracks become a part of the story of that object.  The author talks about that in the book.  Kintsukuroi is the art of filling in the cracks of an object with gold.  My heartbreak is just going to become a part of my story.

One the quotes in the book, really spoke to me.

“Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude.” – Viktor Frankl.

In the middle of my heartbreak, I was choosing to be sad.  I needed to feel that.  It was okay for me to feel that.  In the middle of loss, its okay to feel whatever comes up.  It is also okay to feel happy.  I can choose to see the beauty in the moment.

Even when other people are telling me that I haven’t changed in 10 years or that my life choices are wrong, I can still find the beauty in the situation.  Those people care about me.  They choose to show their love by voicing their opinions and telling me their concerns about my life.  I don’t have to take their opinions or concerns about my life and make it my own.  I know that I’ve changed and I don’t have to prove it to anybody else.  I have to live my life how I want to live my life.

In any situation, we have the choice to choose how we feel.

At this moment, I choose to be happy.  I’m hopeful about the future.

A friend told me recently that I’m glowing from the inside.  She has seen my transformation since I started working with my life coach.

I’m happy with my life choices and the path that I’m on.  I am a beautiful spiritual being.

 

 

 

 

 

My Success

Success has many definitions.

To some people getting married is a success.  To others being single is a success.  To other people getting a million dollars makes them successful.  To some other people, helping others makes them a success.  To other people, traveling the world makes them a success.  To some people, losing weight makes them a success.

The beauty in all those above mentioned things is that success is all of them.

Success is defined differently by different people.

I can define my own success.

My success is going to look different from some peoples success.

My definition of success is being happy in the moment and achieving my goals while living a life that I love.

I once had an interviewer ask me my definition of success.  I was interviewing for a teaching job that taught CPR to healthcare workers.  I hadn’t been expecting that question.  I was scrambling in my head to come up with an answer.  At the time, I was having a hard time defining what success looked like.  I remember telling the interviewer that success was being happy.  Happiness doesn’t depend on how much money is in the bank, if you have a significant other, or a fast car.  As long as you are happy doing your job then you are a success.  I came up with that answer in under a minute.

I wish I had actually listened to myself.  At the time, I was still defining success as having a significant other or a husband.  Waiting on the knight in shining armor.  I don’t need a man to be happy or successful.  My future husband, will be adding to my happiness and success.

Success will manifest itself in different ways for every body.

One of the reasons that I love being a travel nurse, is that I can take a month off in between assignments.  After not taking a vacation for 7 years, I love being able to take time off.  The time off helps with my mental health.  It helps me to relax so I can choose my next assignment.  I don’t want to rush and pick an assignment that I’m not happy with.  I became a travel nurse so that I could go places that I want to go.  To some people, taking a month off means that you aren’t successful and that you are being lazy. That’s ok for them to have that opinion.  Every one can define success differently.

Some people love to work overtime.  They love their jobs and they don’t mind doing it.  I love being a nurse, but I don’t want to work overtime.  Three days a week is enough.  I need those four days off to recharge myself.  I used to work with a nurse that worked 6 and sometimes 7 days in a row.  It worked for that nurse.  I one time, worked 4 days straight and I was emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of the fourth day.

I’m living a life where I am successful on my own terms.

I lived 30 years of my life, trying to live my life by other peoples terms of success instead of my own.  I was never truly happy.  Happiness was fleeting and never sustainable.  Now that I’m living my life on my own terms, I feel successful.  I may not be where I want to be but I’m on my way.

What would you do differently if you lived your life by your own terms of success?

 

Dreamer

I went on my solo cruise, but it didn’t turn out how I thought it would.  A week ago, I was sure that I was going to meet my future husband on this cruise.  He didn’t show up.  I was getting signs and dreams that this was going to be the moment.

I thought everything was falling into place.

While on the cruise, I read a book that struck a chord with me.  The quote stated:

“Not accidentally or coincidentally are we born into our families.  We choose our circumstances and establish a plan for our lives before we are even conceived.  Our planning is aided by the loving spiritual beings who eventually guide and protect us while we are in our physical bodies as our life’s plan unfolds.  Destiny is another name for the unfolding dramas we have already chosen.  Mapped out are the key people we will meet, our reunions with soul-mates and soul companions, even the actual places where these events will eventually occur.  Although every human being has a life plan, we also have free will, as do our parents and everyone with whom we interact.  Our lives and theirs will be affected by the choices we make while in physical state, but the destiny points will still occur.  We will meet the people we had planned to meet, and we will face the opportunities and obstacles the we had planned long before our births.  How we handle these meetings, however, our reactions and subsequent decisions, are the expressions of our free will.”- Dr. Brain Weiss from Messages from the Masters.

This encouraged me.  God/Universe and myself has already planned out my life.  I will meet the people that I’m meant to meet.

When I got home from the cruise, I felt like a failure.  I was heartbroken.  There were some people who were happy that it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to.  There were also some people who wanted me to meet him.

I questioned my dreams and the signs.  I questioned God.  I questioned my life plan.  I questioned my heart.

I had to question myself.

What do I do now?  Do I start living my life like some people want me to live it?  Do I stop going after my dreams?  Can I trust myself?  Can I listen to my heart?

I just don’t believe that God/Universe would lie to me for 8 years.  I ask very specific questions and I get very specific answers.

If I give up on these dreams, I wouldn’t just be giving up my future husband.  I would be giving up the future friends and future plans that I’ve seen.  I would be giving up on the people that I would help.

I can’t go back to my old life.  These dreams helped me to live this life that I’m living right now.

I went from trying grapes to jumping out of airplanes thanks to my dreams.

Even though I “failed” on the cruise, I had a good time.  Ultimately I didn’t fail.

I followed my heart.

“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.”-Stephenie Meyer.

I don’t know what the future holds anymore.  I do know that I can’t give up on the dreams that I’ve had but I will be open minded about the future.  I’m going to do what I feel is right for me and not what other people want me to do.

I’m learning a lot about myself.  I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anybody.  This heartbreak is helping me to learn.

In the end my “mistakes” and “failures” are just blessings in disguise.

I also had to stop listening to sad music.  Jill Scott was singing my life with this next song.  This song was exactly how I felt.  I had this song on replay when I got back from the cruise.

I started to listen to my spiritual war cry playlist.  Those songs uplift my spirit.

I also realized through talking to my life coach, that I did have to grieve for my dreams.  I was shown a whole life with a husband, friends, and experiences that may not come true.  I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t want those dreams to come true.

Some day this will all make sense.  For now, I’m going to keep an open mind on God’s plan.

The world needs more people that are willing to follow their dreams even when they fail.

For example, what if Oprah had quit after her first failure.  Think of all the people that would have affected.  She kept going and she has helped so many people.

Failure was one of the reasons that I was scared to tell people about my dreams.  What if the dreams didn’t come true, then I would not only be a failure but then everyone would know.  Now I’m not afraid because their opinions won’t stop me from following my dreams.

Every thing doesn’t always turn out how you want it to.

For now, I’m not going to stop dreaming and following my heart.

Dream on, dreamers!!