I used to be afraid to show up in life.
I was afraid of what people would think or say about me.
So I played it safe.
Ran away from conflict.
Sat on the sidelines and watched life go by.
Telling myself that I would start to live tomorrow.
Tomorrow never comes and never dies.
That’s why it was safe to bet on tomorrow.
The thing is that tomorrow is never promised to anyone.
I was literally killing myself slowly day by day with my choices.
One day I had to say right now.
I decided right now would be the moment that I would stop killing myself.
I was going to show up and start to live my life.
No one could live my life for me.
No one could change me but me.
No one could lose weight for me.
I was no longer going to listen to my fears.
I was going to listen to God and show up in life.
I did not want to just exist anymore.
I was going to live instead.
Things started to change when I started to show up.
My dreams became my reality.
I am a kind person.
I am an alchemist.
I am a child of God.
I am a poet.
I am a writer.
I am a travel nurse.
I am a dreamer.
I am a public speaker.
I am Mrs. Carter.
I am happy.
I am a patient person.
I am a beautiful person on the inside and outside.
I am a strong person.
I have a great smile.
I will be an author.
I will be a movie director.
I am an intuitive person.
I am immortal.
I am grateful.
I am amazing.
I am special.
I am a beautiful soul.
I’m not only surviving, I’m thriving. A few months ago, my best friend decided she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I was hurt but now I look back on it and I’m not sad anymore. I look at it as a blessing in disguise. I still love her like a sister. I might not have done all the things that I’ve done if that had not happened. I still have 2 wonderful best friends. I have so many new people in my life now. My life has never felt so fulfilling or rewarding! My strength lies in being myself. I have people in my life now that see my worth and help me also see my worth. I have grown so much in the past few months. A few months ago, I was only imagining that I would go para-sailing, become a travel nurse, go on a hot air balloon ride, and going on a tour into the swamp. Now that’s just what I done. I’m learning to turn the negative into a positive. If I go up to someone and try to start a conversation and they walk away. That has nothing to do with me. I’m still a great person even if they didn’t want to talk to me. I’ve also learned that even when I make a mistake, God will take care of me. If I had not extended my contract in Florida then I would not have had the lizards come into my condo. I was a little hesitant to extend my contract at first but I did it anyway. The day that I was supposed to move out, is the day that the first lizard came into my condo. I would have missed out on the lessons that the lizards taught me. I looked up what a lizard crossing your path means and I got a lesson. The website said that a lizard means to slow down and not be in a hurry to get somewhere. I was hoping that I would bump into my future husband since his house was only about an hour from me. I need to stop rushing and take my time. “All new things are born in your dreams.” -Unknown. I recently turned down a travel job in Florida. Right now I want to go to Hawaii. I feel pulled to Hawaii right now. Every thing is going to work out how ever it is meant to. I had a dream last night that I got a travel job in Hawaii. My job is coming, I just have to wait on it. I love this new feeling that I have. Surviving and thriving at the same time!!!
Last weekend was my first vacation in over 9 years! I had so much fun. It was so freeing to be around people who think like me. I was telling people some things that I haven’t even told my family or friends yet. I was so open. People were telling me that I was cool and amazing. It still feels weird when people tell me that I’m special or cool. I went to a Dr. Brian Weiss workshop at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck,NY. The institute is set in the mountains and there is a lake. There were so many activities to do. I was sitting by the lake in the morning and a groundhog shows up and starts eating about 15 feet away from me. There were birds flying all around me. I was awestruck by it all. A bunny rabbit showed up a little later. The institute serves a vegetarian diet and I was a little worried at first but the food tasted great. About 2 weeks ago, I started giving up meat. I don’t miss it and I feel so great. I came back from my vacation and I had lost 4 pounds. After my weekend in New York, I went to a retreat with my life coach in Massachusetts. Oh my gosh, the Berkshire Mountains are so beautiful. My life coach is so amazing!! We did yoga, hiking, meditation, I wrote myself a love letter, and we did so many other activities. We went hiking in this place called the Ice Glen. She told me that if fairies were alive then they would live in the Ice Glens and she was right. I nicknamed it fairytown. We did this activity were I wrote on some rocks everything that I had been holding onto that I didn’t need anymore. I wrote down things like worrying, comparison, self doubt, and my eating disorder. Before we started hiking, I threw the rocks into the river. It was so powerful and freeing. I got so many ideas from that weekend. I thought I had my future pretty much planned out from my dreams and God decided to throw another amazing thing my way! Stay tuned because it’s so good!!!
I’m so excited to finally be going on vacation. My last travel job was the first time in 9 years that I have been outside of Georgia. I had made plans to go on vacation and the plans would always get messed up. Either the other people couldn’t afford it or they couldn’t get off from work. I considered going on a solocation but I never did it. I was scared to do things by myself. I realized that if I waited on other people to do things, then I would end up doing nothing. Which is what I ended up doing. I just went to work, school, and out to dinner at times. I was leading a very boring life. I promised myself that when I became a travel nurse, I would start living the life I always wanted to live. I would start doing things and not just sitting at home. I learned that by not taking care of myself, I was really hurting myself. Part of taking care of myself is going on a vacation and taking time off from work. The only time that I took off from work in the past 9 years, was when I was sick or changing jobs. I would always be the first one asking to go home early from work if the census dropped. I was just ready for a change. Thank God I got 3 months off when I started looking for a travel nurse job. I thought that I would get a travel nurse job really fast when I put in my 2 weeks notice. I still didn’t go anywhere because I was scared to spend money with no money coming in. I moved back in with my parents and waiting on a job. My parents were scared for me. My dad would keep saying to me that you never quit a job without another job already lined up. I knew I was going to be a travel nurse. I saw it in my dreams. While I was waiting for a job, I was working on other things. I finally had the time to relax and get to really know myself. It was an exercise in my faith. So now I know that I need to take a vacation every year. It’s just a part of loving myself. I will be doing my happy dance on the way to the airport!!
I have known my role models all my life. They have influenced me, taught me, and loved me. My role models have always been my parents. Through their examples and wisdom, they have shaped who I am. My mom’s smile lights up a room. Her inner and outer beauty are so special. All my life I have heard that I look like my mother and that always makes me smile. My father has taught me about how to be an independent woman and what a man should do for his family. When I was scared as a child, my dad would sleep on the floor next to my bed until I fell asleep. My dad has gotten woken up so many times to kill bugs for me. My father has gotten out of bed and drove 20 minutes to my house just to kill a spider. That’s why if a man doesn’t kill spiders, I really can’t marry him. Yes I can kill spiders by myself but if my dad is there I let him do it. His lectures on finances have helped me. They have always believed in me even when I didn’t. Through there example of love, I know what love should look like. No man can sell me a dream or tell me they love me without any actions behind their words. I had an ex who let me leave his house because he wouldn’t kill the spider that was in the living room. I told him I couldn’t stay in a room unless he got the spider out. He told me that he didn’t kill spiders and continued to sit on the couch. I left his house and I knew right then that he didn’t love me. I already had known that he wasn’t going to be my husband but I thought that he loved me. When I was little, my dad would leave love notes on the refrigerator for my mom. I strive to be like my mom everyday. She is my example of what a good woman is. I haven’t told them this but they are my role models. I love and admire them. I appreciate every thing they have done for me. Yes, this superhero nurse has role models!!
Hello Shavawn!! I love you. For the past year and a half, I’ve been working on myself. While at first I was scared of changing, now I feel like I’m finally stepping into the woman that I was meant to be. I stepping into the woman that I saw in my dreams. The changes that I’ve done feel so natural. Now I laugh at myself when I think of how scared I used to be to change and really get to know myself. For the last 10 years, I’ve felt a pull from God to help people and to share what I was learning. I used to be scared to do that. I was scared of what other people would say or think. Now the thought of helping even one person outweighs that fear of what some other people will say or think. I didn’t even know that I would have a blog or taking care of myself like I am. One of the many reasons that I wanted to change myself was my future husband. I didn’t want him to find me waiting on him to make me happy. That’s a huge burden to put on anybody else’s shoulders. Only I am responsible for my happiness. I wanted him to find me being happy all by myself. I wanted him to find me having a full life. I want my husband to add to my happiness. I used to be scared to do things by myself. When my friends and I made plans to meet, if I was the first one there, I would sit in the car until one of them showed up. I was scared to sit in public by myself because I was afraid that other people would think that I had no friends. Now I’ve gone para-sailing, hot air ballooning, and went on a swamp tour all by myself. I didn’t even care that I was alone. It made me proud of myself to be doing fun things by myself. Someone recently told me they were envious of me because I was really living my life. I told her that she could have adventures just like I was having. I just had to make little small changes and that led to even bigger changes. Yes I had help from my guardian angel, Karlee Fain. I recently read a book called “The Power Of No.” One of the lines really helped me. “When you start to dip your toes into your personal honesty, your family might stop speaking to you. Some of your friends might also stop speaking to you. Some of your colleagues might avoid you. This is a good sign because it means you are transforming yourself into who you really are, and in turn your personal network/tribe/community will shift and transform.” I’ve personally experienced this. Even though my ex best friend stopped speaking to me, I still feel like I’m becoming who I was always meant to be. That statement encouraged me. I can finally say to myself, hello Shavawn!! I love you!! I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything.
Since becoming a nurse, I’ve realized that I don’t like holidays like I used to. When I didn’t have to work the holidays, I was so happy. Now that I have to work on most holidays I can’t celebrate like I used to either. I don’t get to spend as much time with my family as I like around the holidays. I especially don’t like to work around fourth of July. Neighbors set off fireworks from 6pm to 2am and sometimes even later than that. At my last job, I had to wake up at 4am and I had an hour long drive to work. When I get in the bed early and fireworks start and don’t stop until 2am, I can’t sleep. I save lives for a living and I need my sleep. Yes, I can function on 3 hours of sleep, but I never know how busy my day is going to be. I have to be at my best to make decisions at work. I get in the bed early when I have to go to work so I can get enough sleep. It’s hard to get sleep when your neighbors are setting off fireworks. I’m not saying that people can’t enjoy their holidays and set off fireworks. People should just be considerate of other people. At least stop the fireworks at 1am so I can at least get 4 hours of sleep. I’ve had some neighbors setting off fireworks after July 6. It’s very annoying to get woken up at 5am by fireworks. I wish I could sleep in and not work every holiday but I can’t. Just be considerate to other people. There may be a healthcare worker in your neighborhood that has to work on a holiday.