My Love is Not Your War

super_nurse[1]

My Love is Not Your War

Love is caring.

Love is kind.

Love is patient.

Love forgives.

God loves me even when I don’t do the right thing.

I can’t always go to war with the people who don’t like my future husband.

I won’t allow their opinions of him to make me choose to look at him differently.

Most people have an opinion of him, but they have never had a conversation with him.

I’m still excited about my dreams.

I’m excited to share my life with an amazing person.

I love him.

I’m proud that God chose me.

I’ll always be protective of my family and friends.

They have been such a blessing to me.

When people say bad things about them, I still know the truth.

They have helped me to become this amazing woman that I am now.

My future husband has helped me in ways that he may never know.

His love cannot be my war.

I choose to love.

I choose not to go to war.

Love loves.

Facing My Fears

super_nurse[1]Facing my fears has never been easy for me.  I got scared, nervous, and doubtful when I even thought of facing my fears.  I loved to stay in my comfort zone.  I knew what to expect from my life staying in my comfort zone.  No surprises happened either good or bad.  I would go to work and stay home on my days off.  Then I started to realize:

Nothing good can come from me staying in my comfort zone. 

I couldn’t become the woman that I saw in my dreams if I stayed in my comfort zone.  I wouldn’t be happy if I stayed in my comfort zone. My dreams wouldn’t come true if I stayed in my comfort zone.  With the help of my life coach, I started to slowly step out of my comfort zone.

One of my biggest fears, is public speaking.  In college, I took my public speaking class online to avoid having to make a speech in public.  I loved the fact that I could just record myself on my laptop and not have to stand in front of a class room full of people and speak.  I didn’t even have a laptop computer before I signed up for my public speaking class.  I got my laptop computer so that I could record myself.  In my dreams, I see myself onstage performing and doing some public speaking events.  My fear was one of the big reasons that I didn’t want some of my dreams to come true.  I was letting my fear control me.

When I started to write poetry, I decided that I needed to face my fear.  I wanted to be able to share my story and my lessons that I have learned.  I wanted to be able to help people avoid some of the mistakes that I had made.  I wanted to share my story so that maybe people who were going through what I was going through wouldn’t feel alone.  To do that I needed to be able to stand in front of an audience and speak. I looked up an open mic night.  The night before I was so nervous.  I wanted to not go and I even thought of reasons to tell my friends that I had invited to forget it.  I hadn’t seen my friends in a while so I really wanted to see them.  I also wanted to prove to myself how brave I could be.  A part of me wanted to do it and another part of me didn’t want to do it.  The day of the event, I was very nervous.  My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I wanted to vomit.  I went to the Apache Café anyway.  I realized that I invited my friends so that I would have some incentive to show up and not bail out.  I wanted to stay at home in my comfort zone.  No one could judge my poetry if they never heard it.  I showed up and I was still nervous.  I had a talk with God before I went on.  I even had a talk with my guardian angels and asked for their help.  Before going on to the stage, I noticed a painting on the wall.  It was bigger than the other painting around it and it featured my future husband.  I literally had to laugh.  God was showing me that I was in the right place.  I nudged my friend and showed her the painting.  I remember her saying that that was really weird.   I told her it was just a sign.

When I got on the stage, something weird happened.  A calmness came over me.  I knew that this was what I was supposed to be doing.  I was stepping into my calling.  During the performance, I was actually having fun.  It went by so fast.  Afterwards, I was so proud of myself.  Some people came up to me and said that I had done good.

I still have the fear of public speaking, but it isn’t as big as it once was.

This week, I faced that fear again.  I wanted to see if I would like being a teacher.  I talked to my life coach about going up to the nursing instructor of the nursing students and asking the instructor if I could do a presentation to the students.  I was so nervous and excited at the same time.  I rehearsed what I was going to say.  The night before, I was going to have the conversation with her, I took some precautions so that I wouldn’t be so nervous.  I meditated and I got in the bed early so that I would have enough sleep.  I did some breathing exercises to help me fall asleep.  I was still nervous that next day.  When the time came, my heart was pounding and I forgot my rehearsed script.  I free styled it.  Thankfully I still got what I wanted.  My life coach was right.  When I put myself out there, the universe takes care of me.  The universe and God want me to step into my calling.

I’m never going to like facing my fears.  It’s still scary and I don’t like feeling nervous.  After I face my fears, I feel so happy and energetic.  I feel proud of myself for doing it.  Everything doesn’t always go the way I want it to but at least I tried.  Now that I’m out of my comfort zone, I can’t go back.  I like the surprises that are coming my way.  I like knowing that there are new experiences coming my way.

 

How To Change The World

super_nurse[1]Last weekend was the worst weekend that I have ever had in my nursing career.  I had one patient who had been very verbally abusive towards everyone and sometimes the patient would get physically abusive.  Unfortunately if was my turn to take care of him.  It turned out to be a blessing in disguise!  I looked at how other people were reacting to the patient.  I didn’t want to yell at the patient or show that I was really frustrated with the patient.  I thought of how the patient feels and I started to have compassion for the patient.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t put myself in a situation where I would get verbally or physically abused.  When the patient started to get verbally abusive, I walked out of the room.  I have the right not to be verbally abused.  I kept myself positive.  I sang songs in my mind that kept me happy.  I thought of different blog post that I was working on.  I thought of going hiking.  When I got off, I listened to some music.  That helps me to calm down.

I reminded myself that I can only control my emotions. 

I get to choose how I react to the patient.  I didn’t want to react to him in a negative way.  Yes I was frustrated inside but I decided that I was not going to allow the patient’s negativity to decide my emotions.  I had another patient that was actively dying.  Unfortunately, because of the other patient’s actions I wasn’t able to spend as much time as I wanted to with the dying patient and the patient’s family.  Right at shift change, another one of my patients pushed the code blue light and everyone came running to the patient’s room.  The patient had Alzheimers.  The patient got very confused and thought the nurses were in the patient’s bedroom.  The patient got violent.  We were able to calm the patient down eventually.  Overnight the patient hit a nurse and cornered the nurse inside the room with a walker.

The very next day, the verbally abusive patient was nice to me.  The patient said thank you and talked to me.  I was shocked.  The patient still had outbursts with other staff members, but to me, the patient was nice.  I actually had a pretty good shift.  Maybe the patient could feel that I had compassion for him.  Maybe the patient could feel my calm energy that I had.  The Alzheimers patient was nice as well.  I thought about what happened.

The way to change to world is to work on yourself. 

Once I started to work on myself and love myself, all I wanted was to spread that happiness around.  I wanted everyone to feel happy.  My energy changed too.  Misery really and truly loves company.  Happiness is infectious.  The compliment that I always get from people is that they love how I can keep my cool and my smile during stressful times.  I can do that because I take care of myself.  After the weekend, the next day that I had off I went hiking and spent time in nature.  That helps get rid of my stress and makes me feel closer to God.  I have tools that I use to keep my smile.  I can’t help but think that if I had not started to work on myself and my issues then my parents would not be coming to Hawaii to visit me.  It had always been my grandmother’s dream to go to Hawaii.  I like to think that when she heard that I was becoming a nurse, that maybe she prayed that I would get to Hawaii.  By me spreading my happiness and knowledge around that will help other people.  It will cause a ripple effect.  The people around me will be effected and then in turn spread happiness to the other people that they meet. I’m also helping my future in the process.  There are people who are waiting on me to become the woman that I was meant to be.

This week in general has been hard.  I feel like I’m being tested but I’m not failing.  I will not fight fire with fire.  I’ve learned not to post when I’m in my feelings.  I’m still excited about my future.  “I swear your opinion of me, will not make or break me”- Lil Wayne.  I am the queen of signs.  As I’m writing this a motivational song of my future came on.

What other people think of me or my future is none of my business.

No one has lived my life and seen all the signs that I have seen.  People may not believe that I get supernatural help all the time.  One of my guardian angels loves to write poetry.  I can feel their help when I write.  When I’m feeling lonely, I do the electric slide.  I can feel that my guardian angels are dancing with me.  It helps me not to feel lonely.  One of my guardian angels likes to do word find puzzles.  I can feel someone helping when I do them.  I ask God for signs and he provides.  I have always been guided.  When I’m stressed out my energy is blocked.  A few months ago, I was stressed out for 2 weeks.  I couldn’t feel my supernatural beings around me.  I was blocking their energy with my stress.  I couldn’t even think of a blog post.  When I got my stress levels under control, I could feel their energy again.  I want to make this world a better place so that if I have to be reincarnated again it will be better for me.  I don’t know what I’ll choose to be in my next life.  My ultimate goal is to not to have to be reincarnated again.  I want to ascend to the next level.  I can only do that by learning and mastering the lessons that I have been sent here to learn.  I feel like I’m on the right path.  I’m going to make an explosion!!  My power is turned up!!  I’m setting waves into motion!!