Using Your Resources

I recently was called selfish by a friend because I wanted to use my resources to pay for a flight that I need this week.  I wanted to ask my parents because that is the only thing that I need for Christmas.  They have been asking me what I want and I keep saying I don’t know.  I don’t need any clothes or any thing else.  It would really help me for them to pay for my plane ticket.  I need to fly out this Friday and it’s now Tuesday and I haven’t talked to them about it, because I allowed my friend’s comment to make me feel bad about myself and the choice that I had made.  I’m not sure if they will even say yes.

Her comment got me to thinking.

Her comment had me sad for a second until I realized that I should never feel bad for using the resources that I have available when I need them.

Then I also realized that just because she labels me as selfish doesn’t mean that I am.  Just because she says that I haven’t grown in that area doesn’t mean that I haven’t.  At the end of the day, she is entitled to her opinion but I don’t ever have to accept her opinion about my life.

I am what I say I am.

The Universe/God then sent me a message.

I was watching the red table talk with Jada Pinkett Smith about forgiveness.  I got a message from that.  Jada and her brother were talking about their father.  Jada stated that her father’s journey was not about being her father.  Her father’s journey just so happened to include giving her life but not to be her dad.

“My father was a person first with his own journey.” – Jada.  She was also talking about titles and labels.  “We get so caught up in these titles and these labels,  of what people are supposed to be.”-Jada.

Her brother then says, “How arrogant of us to believe that we know who someone is supposed to be or supposed to do.

That statement right there was the message from the Universe/God.

We label and attach titles to people and then we assign them ways that they are supposed to act or to be. We may do this consciously or subconsciously.

For example, some patients have an idea of how a nurse is supposed to act.  One patient told me that nurses are supposed to be direct and to the point and not smile too often. That was one patient’s expectation of nurses.    I’ve learned that every nurse is different and that is good.

What I also gathered from this was that every one has their own journey in life.  Some people are here to help others and some people are here to receive that help from those people.  No one owes you anything but if they are willing and able to help you, why not take the help.  I have a problem asking people for help.  In high school, I almost flunked out of trigonometry because I didn’t want to ask for help.  I believed that I should be able to do it for myself.  Math was my favorite subject.  My teacher and my parent’s forced me to get a tutor and it helped.

For example, a person might have a business idea but not the money to get the business started.  They might have to go to a bank and get a loan.  The person can also choose to work extra at work until they have the money.  That person might also have a family member that is willing and able to loan or give them the money.  Either choice that they make, they are just using the resources available to them.  What ever choice that that person makes, they should not allow other people’s opinions to dictate their choice.  Some people believe that a person should be independent and not ask anybody for anything.

I’ve heard people say pull yourself up by your own boot straps.  Meaning do what you need to do but don’t ask for help.  You can do it yourself.  Sometimes you can’t do it by yourself.  For example, a recording artist goes on a tour, they need other people to help them.  The recording artist can’t perform on stage and work the lights and sound system at the same time.  They need other people to help with that.

I spent many years of my life living how other people wanted me to live.  I knew all along what I was meant to do but I wanted other people’s approval.  I wanted other people to like me.  I had to get clear by meditating, praying, and listening for the answers.  When I did that I knew that I also had to let go of other people’s opinions.  I still listen to other people’s advice but I now know that I don’t have to take that advice or do what others want me to do, if it doesn’t feel right to me.

There is freedom when you don’t live your life based on other people’s opinions.  I am responsible for my own feelings.  My friend didn’t make me feel bad, I chose to feel bad.  So I had a talk with my life coach and I let go of the negative feelings that I had.  I made the decision to use my resources and not to feel bad about it.

Towards the end of the red table talk, Jada says that she needed to, “focus on what is going well, instead of what is going wrong.”

That is a lesson that I am learning.

My alopecia is still there.  The hair is growing back and the bald spot has gotten bigger.  I am grateful for the hair that I have on my head and that my hair is growing back.  I’m choosing to focus on the positive.  I have alopecia but alopecia will not make me stop living my life.

At the end of the show, Jada’s brother says that, “love is everything.”

That resonated with me because it is.  When I really fell in love with myself, then I became more compassionate, loving, caring, and kinder to other people.

I appreciate what my friend had to say.  She was saying that not to make me feel bad but to help me grow.  I also know that I can use my resources that I have available.  Another example, this Monday, I was going to wash my hair.  In the morning, my mom texted me and asked if I wanted her to wash my hair.  Of course, I said yes.  After my grandmother died, my mom did my hair until I was about 29 or 30.  I am not ashamed of that.  I was using the resources available to me.

Don’t be ashamed or feel bad for asking or needing help.  Asking for help is being strong enough to recognize that you need help.  In life sometimes a person may need financial, emotional, psychological, or physical help.  I asked for help with my eating disorder and I don’t regret it.

I challenge any one struggling with asking for help or the opinion of others, to just listen to your own wisdom or intuition.  That is the Universe/God talking to you.  That will never steer you wrong because it knows exactly what you need.  No one whether its a family member, friend, doctor, or co worker ever knows every thing that you need.  They mean well but you have to do what is right for you.  They may now some things but not every thing.

I challenge you to use your resources and not to feel ashamed or less than for it.

Update:  I asked my parents and they helped me out.  I understand no one owes me anything in life.  Sometimes everyone needs a little help.  If I don’t ask then the answer will always be no.

 

Trolls Part Deux

The trolls have given Bridget a make over.  Bridget feels like she can’t talk to King Griselle even though she has been the scullery maid since she was little.  She has been around the King since he was the prince.  Now that she has the make over, the trolls hide under her wig and tell her what to say.  She is so nervous. She is nervous because most of her life, every body has over looked her.  The chef has called her Idget.  Bridget has been ordered around for most of her life.

On the way to see King Griselle, Bridget sings a song and dances.

Through out the whole movie, the Bergens sing and dance.  I think the reason that the Bergens think that they can’t sing and dance is because they compare themselves to the trolls.  The trolls are very good at singing and dancing.  The Bergens don’t have hair that can change colors, hair that can grow fast, or do backflips.  There is a saying that says, “Every one is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”  Since the Bergens are comparing themselves to the trolls, they believe that they can’t be happy unless they eat a troll once a year and transfer the trolls happiness to themselves.  They believe they can’t sing or dance since they don’t do it like the trolls do.

The trolls make up a name for Bridget and call her Lady Glitter Sparkles.  The King and Lady Glitter Sparkles go out to eat pizza and then skating.  While eating pizza, Bridget says something.  She says that, “being here with you, makes me realize that true happiness is possible.”  The king says that she is right and that happiness is closer than she thinks.  He then shows her that he has Creek hidden inside his necklace.  The king asks Lady Glitter Sparkles to be his plus one at Trollstice.  She says yes.  They then go skating and have fun.  The chef interrupts and says to the king that he looks like he is having fun.  Bridget runs off because she fears that the chef will recognize her.  She leaves one of her skates behind and the king finds it.

When the trolls and Bridget get back to her room, every one is excited.  Bridget is excited because she just had a date with the king and the king likes her.  The trolls are excited because Creek is alive.  The trolls decide to go get Creek.  Bridget stops them and says the they have to help her tomorrow because she is going to be the king’s plus one at Trollstice.  When the trolls say no, Bridget starts to cry.  Princess Poppy says that she and the king can make each other happy.  Bridget says no that only eating a troll can make a Bergen happy.  She forgets that she said that true happiness is possible when she was on her date with the king.

The trolls go to save Creek.  They find the king’s necklace in his room.  The king’s dog is also in the room and starts to chase the trolls.  The king is on his treadmill while the trolls sneak into his room.  The trolls take Bridget’s skate that the king has saved from the date.  They escape the dog on the skate.  After crash landing the skate, the trolls open up the king’s necklace, only to find that Creek is no longer in the necklace.  The chef captures the trolls after they make that discovery.

The trolls are put back in the cage and discover that Creek is with the chef.  Branch then figures out that Creek is now working with the chef.  Creek explains that when he was put into the king’s mouth he had an epiphany.  He didn’t want to die so he made a bargain with the king and the chef to turn in the other trolls as long as he didn’t get eaten.  He then steals Poppy’s bell.

The chef and some other Bergens go to the trolls hiding place.  Creek uses Poppy’s bell to get the other trolls to come out.  All of the trolls are then captured by the Bergens.  They are put into a huge pot to be cooked when Trollstice starts.  Poppy becomes sad because she thought that she was going to save the trolls.  Now she and all the other trolls are going to be eaten.  Poppy then loses her color when she is sad.  Then all the other trolls lose their color as well.  Branch then starts to sing to the princess.  At the end of the song, Poppy has found her happiness again and her color comes back.  All of the other trolls find their happiness again too and their color as well.  Even Branch gets his color back.  He states that he is finally happy.  “Happiness is inside of all of us, some times you just need some one to help you find it.”

Right after he says this the lid is taken off the pot.  Bridget has decided to let all the trolls escape.  She says that she can’t let the trolls get eaten.  She tells Poppy that,”she showed her what it feels like to be happy.  I would have never known if it wasn’t for you.”  Poppy and the other trolls escape and Bridget goes into the main hall with the empty pot.

King Griselle is sad because Lady Glitter Sparkles hasn’t shown up yet.  He holds onto her skate that she left.  The trolls have made it to the troll tree.  Princess Poppy then makes a decision that all the Bergens can be happy.

Poppy and her friends go back to the castle.  Meanwhile the Bergens have found out that the trolls are gone.  The chef accuses Bridget of eating all the trolls and orders the guards to put Bridget in jail.  The guards surround Bridget and just when they are about to grab her, the trolls bust through the window in the other skate that Bridget wore on her date with the king.  They make the rainbow wig out of their hair to show King Griselle that Bridget is Lady Glitter Sparkles.  The King is surprised and asks Bridget why she would do that.  She then tells him that she didn’t think that he would want her because she is just a maid.

The chef still insists that the guards lock her up.  Princess Poppy then asks King Griselle if he was feeling something when he was with Bridget.  King Griselle says that he was but he thought that feeling was just eating too much pizza.  Princess Poppy states that that feeling was happiness.  Another Bergen then says that, “you have to eat a troll to be happy.”  Princess Poppy then points out that King Griselle has never eaten a troll but he was still happy.  King Griselle then puts the skate onto the foot of Bridget and states, “here I am, my belly empty and my heart full.”

The Bergen chef is angry.  She wanted to rule the kingdom and be in charge.  She wants things to stay the same.  If the Bergens discover that they don’t need to eat trolls to be happy, she won’t be in power.  She tells the Bergens that there is only one way to be happy and she is the only one that can give it to them.  She tries to force the king to eat a troll.  She puts Branch onto the kings tongue and Poppy saves him from being eaten.

Princess Poppy then states, “happiness isn’t some thing that you put inside, it’s already there.  Sometimes you just need some one to help you find it.”

That statement resonates with me because of my eating disorder that I dealt with.  I used to think that happiness could be obtained through eating or when I was losing weight.

A Bergen then asks her can he really be happy and Poppy states yes.  The Bergens then start to listen to Poppy.  The trolls start to sing one of my favorite songs.

A big dance party breaks out with the Bergens throwing their bibs in the air.  The Bergen chef is again thrown out of the kingdom along with Creek.  They end up getting eating by a huge creature.  Poppy ends up getting crowned Queen.

The whole message of the movie that I get is that happiness is already inside of every one.  I didn’t need to buy any new clothes, get a new boyfriend or husband, lose weight, or get a new career.  I can be happy right where I am with what I already have.  Yes, I needed some one to help me find it.  I got a life coach and now I’m living a life that I always dreamed of.  I just took a solo vacation to Sydney, Australia.  These are just some of the pictures that I took.  I believe that you can just see the happiness radiating from me in these pictures.

Trolls Part 1

Trolls has recently become one of my favorite movies.  I’m watching it as I write this.  I will be giving out some spoilers so if you haven’t watched it, then don’t continue to read.

The movie starts with introducing the Trolls, as the happiest creatures.  They liked to hug, dance, and sing.

One day, the trolls are found by a Bergen.  The Bergens don’t know how to hug, dance, or sing.  They are miserable.  The Bergens discover that eating a troll will make them happy because they wanted to be happy like the trolls.  The Bergens accept the fact that eating a troll will make them happy.  The Bergens create a holiday called Trollstice.  On this holiday they eat a troll so that they can be happy for one day.  The trolls didn’t want to be eaten so they eventually escaped.  They escape on Trollstice.  King Peppy leads them through a tunnel into the woods.  The Bergen chef is thrown out of the village for not finding the trolls. The  Bergen king tells his son that since he didn’t eat a troll then he will never be happy.

I thought about that concept.  Can you imagine if your parents told you that you would never be happy unless you ate a certain food that unfortunately wasn’t available any more?

I used to eat the doughnuts and cakes to try to be happy.  I found that when I was eating the doughnuts and cakes that I could temporarily feel happiness.  Just like the Bergens when they ate a troll.  After eating a troll the Bergens would only be happy for a moment and then go back to being miserable.

Also when I was growing up, I accepted a concept that if I went to college, got a career, married, and then had kids, then I would be happy.  I would have a fulfilling life if I did those things.  So after going through college and getting into my career, then I focused on getting a husband.  When the husband didn’t come I started to internally panic.  I thought that I wouldn’t be happy until I got married.  The thought didn’t occur to me that I could be happy right where I was in my life at the moment.  I learned a valuable lesson that happiness comes from me and not anyone else.  My happiness doesn’t depend on any title that I have or not have.

How many people have been taught and accepted that concept?  If your life is planned in that order then happiness will surely be in your life.  No one has to accept this concept.  We can change our beliefs.  Some people’s lives go in the order of college, career, marriage, and then kids.  Some people’s lives take a different path.  No one path is right or wrong.  The path that you choose is the right one for you.  The path that I am on right now is the right one for me.

There is a troll named Branch that isn’t happy.  He is very pessimistic.  He is always warning the other trolls about the Bergens.   Even though a Bergen hasn’t been spotted in twenty years.  Princess Poppy tries to make Branch happy by inviting him to the parties.  Poppy says that, “happiness is inside of all of us, sometimes you just need someone to help find it.”  Branch warns Poppy that the Bergens will attack if she throws her party.  The party is billed as the “biggest, the loudest, and the craziest party ever.”

Branch is secretly sad that he has no friends and he sits in his bunker most of the day.  He tells every one that he is happy with the way he is.

The party goes on as planned.  The trolls are then discovered by the Bergen chef.  She has been in the wilderness looking for the trolls for twenty years.  The trolls are attacked at the party and the chef takes all of Princess Poppy’s friends.  She decides that she needs to rescue her friends.

Poppy goes to Branch to ask for his help.  He is the only troll that knows the most about the Bergens.  He refuses because he says that it would be a death wish.  Poppy then hatches a plan to get Branch to say yes.  Branch has a bunker that is stockpiled with supplies so that he could hide in it for ten years.  Branch is very anti social.  Poppy invites all the trolls into his bunker and then leaves to go to Bergen Town to save her friends leaving Branch with all the trolls.

Poppy is very optimistic that she will succeed.  She gets into some trouble on the way to Bergen Town.  She is about to get eaten by some spiders and then Branch saves her from the spiders.  She knew that he couldn’t survive with all the trolls in his bunker and would eventually come to help her.  They set out together to go to Bergen Town.

When they get to Bergen Town, they find that the Bergens are still miserable.  They are singing this very depressing song.

The song itself is saying that they aren’t happy.  I have learned that if you think that you aren’t happy, then you can’t be happy.  Thinking positive will make your life positive.  I had to learn to train my brain to think positive.

Poppy takes this as confirmation that they haven’t eaten any trolls.

They sneak into the palace to find Poppy’s friends.  They find her friends inside of a cage.  The king’s staff is getting the palace ready for Trollstice.  The chef is “happy” because now she is back in the palace and she thinks that she will be queen one day.  She thinks that the Bergen that controls the trolls will be the ruler of the kingdom.

One of the trolls that is captured is named Creek.  Creek is Poppy’s potential boyfriend.  Creek is the enlightened troll who is into yoga and positivity.

The chef gives Prince Griselle his bib that he wore when he was a child.  It doesn’t fit and one of the trolls laughs.  Prince Griselle gets mad and threatens to eat the trolls now.  He notices that there aren’t enough trolls for every Bergen.  The chef lies and says that there will be enough trolls for every Bergen.  She takes Creek out of the cage and tries to get King Griselle to eat the troll.  King Griselle wants to wait until Trollstice to eat a troll because his father told him that his first time should be special.  Eventually the chef shoves Creek into King Griselle’s mouth.  Poppy and Branch are watching all of this from their hiding place.  The chef leaves the other trolls with a maid named Bridget.  The chef and the king leave the room.  Poppy still believes that Creek is alive.  Poppy and Branch go after Bridget to free the other trolls.

Bridget goes to her room and sings a song about being in love with King Griselle.  Poppy notices but Branch is surprised because he didn’t think that Bergens had any feelings.  After Bridget falls asleep, they rescue the other trolls.  Bridget wakes up while they are escaping and tries to stop them.  Poppy makes a bargain with Bridget.  The trolls will give Bridget a make over so that she can get close to King Griselle and the trolls can save Creek.  Bridget will get a date with the king.  Bridget agrees.

The trolls start to sing and give Bridget a make over but Bridget is concerned because Branch is not singing or dancing.  Poppy tells Branch that he has to sing.  Branch says no but Poppy keeps asking him why not.  Branch breaks down and tells Poppy that singing killed his Grandma.  Branch then recounts that when he was little, he was singing and he didn’t hear his Grandma try to warn him that there was a Bergen behind him.  His grandma pushes Branch out of the way but the Bergen takes his grandma.  That is how Branch loses his color and becomes gray and sad.  All the other trolls are happy and brightly colored.  Branch agrees to help but he still doesn’t want to sing.  Branch steps out of his comfort zone.

Some times good things happen when a person steps outside of their comfort zone.

I had to step outside of my comfort zone and get help with my eating disorder.  It was uncomfortable at first but in the end I’m glad I did it.  I also used to be afraid to do things on my own.  Now I’m comfortable doing things on my own.  I had to take baby steps at first.  I would go to the movies by myself.  Now I’m going to Australia by myself.

Part 2 coming soon.  There are so many themes in this movie.

When and Where

I was just watching a webinar that my life coach, Karlee Fain, was doing.  It got me thinking.

At the end she said a quote my Albert Einstein.  To paraphrase the quote, it was saying that driven people believe that the universe is benevolent.

That got me to thinking about my life right now.  I’m starting a life coach business of my own right now.  I still haven’t gotten a client yet and I’m a little worried.  I would like to have my business thriving right now.

I also thought about another situation that happened in my life.

When I got out of RN school, I wanted to be a Labor and Delivery nurse.  For about 6 months, I only applied to Labor and Delivery nurse jobs.  In my dreams, at the time, I saw myself as a Med/Surg/Telemetry nurse.  When I gave in and started to apply for the med/surg and med/surg/telemetry jobs, I started to get interviews.  It took me a year and a half after graduating to get my first hospital job.  I knew that I was going to get a job as a med/surg/telemetry nurse, I just didn’t know where or when.  My job in that situation was to keep applying for jobs.  The Universe/God was going to determine when and where.

I can use that situation in my current situation.  I know that I’m meant to be some kind of teacher among so many other things.  My first client will come.  I just have to do the things that I need to do.

The Universe/God will take care of me and decide the when and where it will happen.

Until it happens, I’m going to try not to worry.  If my life has taught me anything, it is that I’m taken care of and guided.  Some how every thing works out.

I just needed to be reminded of that today.

Pictures

I was recently looking for a before picture of myself to put on my website.  Just to show how far that I’ve come.

I couldn’t find one.

In my mind, I could picture exactly which picture I wanted for my before picture.  It was a picture of my nephew and I.  He was about 5 months old at the time.  I remember the picture because I didn’t look so great in it.  When I first saw the photo all I could see was that I had a double chin, my skin was oily, and I had acne.  My nephew looked great.  He was smiling and having fun.

I do remember after my dad showed me the picture, I tried to hide it.  I think I eventually tore the picture up and threw it away.  Now when I picture that picture in my mind, I see my nephew and I having fun.  I realize now that I was focusing on the wrong things.

I thought about that for a while. I used to tear up the pictures of myself that I didn’t like.  I did that because the pictures showed me that I wasn’t beautiful to myself.  When I was bigger, I didn’t think I was beautiful. I thought my face was pretty but not beautiful. No matter if someone else called me pretty or beautiful, I didn’t feel that way about myself.  I didn’t like having my photo taken because I didn’t like the photos.

I recently booked a private photographer in Sydney, Australia and I’m so excited.  It was a big step for me.  The recent hair loss turned my world upside down for a while.

I feel beautiful inside and out now.

I just yesterday told some nurses my age.  They were shocked that I am 36 years old.  One of them said that I looked like I was 30 years old.  I took that as a compliment.  I would like to think that I look young because I’m radiating my love for myself from the inside out.

Now I know that I’m beautiful to myself even if no one ever told me that I was pretty or beautiful.

Now I’m ready for my picture to be taken and to share my smile with myself and the world!!

Every Thing Happens for a Reason

My hair recently fell out and I didn’t know the cause.

So I went to the doctor.  He diagnosed me with alopecia areata.  He told me that no body knows the cause of alopecia areata and the treatments might not be effective.  He wanted me to start with some steroid injections into my scalp.  I was so nervous to try that because I’m scared of needles.  The thought of having to get 10 injections in my scalp scared me.  I ended up saying that I would have to think about it.

My gut was still telling me that it had some thing to do with my diet or some thing that I wasn’t getting.  I asked the doctor to have my blood drawn.  I’m so glad that I asked because of the results.

The blood work came back and I am low in iron and critically low in my vitamin D levels.  I was expecting the low iron levels because that runs in my family.  I wasn’t expecting the low vitamin D levels.

I did some research on low vitamin D levels.  I also looked at the foods that I was eating.  Most of the foods don’t have any vitamin D at all.  Vitamin D is gotten from the sun, fish, or fortified foods.  I found this article that was very interesting:

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/vitamin-d-deficiency-symptoms

The article states that some of the symptoms of low vitamin D are fatigue, hair loss, and getting sick often.  The only symptom that I had was the hair loss.  I didn’t feel fatigue and I wasn’t getting sick often.  I was taking care of myself so my body had to get my attention some how and that is why I believe that my hair fell out.  My vitamin D level is a 9 and the normal is between 30-100.  The doctor told me that my low vitamin D may be the cause of my alopecia areata.  He told me to start taking supplements.

I’m glad that I said no to the steroid injections.  It may have worked but that would have just been treating the symptom and not the root cause of the problem.  The root cause is the low iron and low vitamin D levels.

Through this whole situation I have learned that every thing happens for a reason.

Because my hair fell out, I went to the doctor to see what was going on.  I got my blood work done.  Then I did some research and found the cause.  It also taught me that self care and self love are important.

Self care and self love starts with the food that you put into your mouth every day.  The food effects your mood and energy level.

I remember my life coach, Karlee Fain, gave me an action step to do about a year ago.  She just wanted me to be aware of how I felt after eating.  I was to do this for 2 weeks.

I noticed that after I ate my doughnuts, cakes and fast foods, I would feel very tired.  I would also feel sad.  After I ate vegetables, smoothies, and healthy food, I would feel energized and happy.  After that exercise, I decided I wanted to feel energized and happy.  I still eat some junk food but not anything like I was doing.  Now when I’m feeling sad, I recognize that it is because I ate some junk food.  I am trying to get rid of junk food completely from my diet.

I want to challenge people to do the same exercise that I did.  Just start to be aware of how you feel after you eat food.  You might start to notice a pattern.

If you want to connect with me, visit my other website, http://www.joyfulnurse.com.

Hair Loss

I recently found a huge bald spot on my scalp.  I have no idea when it started but I know it couldn’t have happened overnight.  I was shocked when my hair dresser found it.

What did I do?

I did something that I have told my patients not to do.  I googled my symptoms and scared myself.  Also I joined some Facebook support groups for hair loss.  I let my fear take over.  I did all of this before I even left the hairdresser that day.

The reason I tell my patients not to google their symptoms is because it will have them scared and nervous.  You don’t even have all the information yet.  Go to the doctor first and then you can get to the bottom of the symptoms.  It might turn out that you don’t have the disease that you thought you had from googling your symptoms.

I have a doctor’s appointment soon and I will hopefully get all the information then and be able to find out what is going on.

To get myself back to being myself, I had to do some things.  I called my life coach and had a talk.  I had to get myself out of the Facebook groups.  Those groups were only making me more scared and nervous.  I had to change my thoughts on the situation.

How did I change my thoughts?

Every time that I had a negative thought, I counter acted it with a positive thought.  When I would think that I was going bald, I would then think that I’m grateful that I can cover it up right now.   I even had a talk with my hair follicles and sent them some positive energy.  My gut is telling me that it may be an allergic reaction or my diet.  I don’t know what it is right now.  I won’t know until I get more information, so right now I’m trying not to let it take over my life.

One of the reasons that I had to leave the Facebook support groups is because they were making me feel scared and depressed.  I was allowing those posts to scare me.  There were only a few positive posts on there and some of the comments on those posts were so mean.  Now that I’m out of those groups I can go on Facebook and not be scared or nervous.

One of the reasons that I’m sharing this is to share my story.  I already know that it has helped one person.  Its helped me.  When I first found out about the bald spot, I was ashamed, scared, and nervous.  Now I know that I’m going through this for a reason.  I don’t know the reason but I do know that God/Universe always helps me.  I am guided.  This situation will only make me a stronger person.

I’ve also learned that I can be going through some things and still be happy and joyful.  My emotions don’t have to be tied to what I’m going through in my life.

Now when I’m feeling sad about my situation, I just step up my self care.  For example, I went whale watching yesterday.  I saw a humpback whale and some dolphins.  I even saw some baby dolphins.  When I got home I looked up the meaning of dolphins.  “Most of us as adults take our responsibilities very seriously and end up focusing on our work and families.  Therefore, dolphin meaning is letting you know that you have to take time out and play.  After all, laughter, joy, movement, and engaging your mind on fun is the best way to relieve stress and regroup.” – Spirit Animal Totem.

https://www.spirit-animals.com/dolphin-symbolism/

That is the exact message that I needed right now.  Going whale watching makes me feel very happy.  The crew of the boat like me and they even started giving me a discount because I come so much.  I even won the photo contest and won 2 free VIP tickets.  Nature is a part of my tribe and it helps me with my stress levels.  Going whale watching every week is just a part of my self care.

I’m learning a great lesson.  I am happy and joyful and still going through a not so pleasant thing right now.  I’m allowing myself to feel both of those things at once.  I won’t be ashamed of my body or my hair.  I am beautiful, I have a beautiful smile, and I have a beautiful spirit.  I have a purpose and I love myself.

Hiking

 

Every time that I go hiking, I get a message from God/Universe.

It’s been over a month since I last went hiking.  I was getting a little frustrated with myself because I was having to take more breaks than usual.

I thought about the story of the tortoise and the hare.  The hare could have won the race because it was faster than the tortoise, it was cocky and then it fell asleep.  The tortoise won because it didn’t give up, even though it was slow.

After thinking about that, I wasn’t so hard on myself for taking more breaks.  I still made it to the top of the mountain.

Another lesson I learned was just to enjoy the moment.

Most of my friends are married, have kids, and have homes.  I’m still trying to find the place that I want to call home.  Hawaii is number 1 right now.  I’m still not done being a travel nurse yet.  I haven’t met my future husband yet.

Sometimes I compare my life to theirs and I feel like I’m behind some how.  I want to be married and have a home.  Then I start to worry about why it hasn’t happened for me yet, have I missed an opportunity in the past, or will it ever happen for me.  Then I realize that:

It’s just not my time right now for that.

All those things will happen when God/Universe decides it is time.  Every thing comes to me when the time is right.

For example, it took me about 2 years to get a killer whale tattoo design.  I had been looking but not finding anything.  Finally when I took a vacation to Washington, I found a design from a t-shirt.  The design came to me when I was ready for it and at the right time.

I’m going to stop comparing my life to any one else’s life.  I’m right on time in my life.  Every thing will come when it is meant to come and at the right time.  I’m doing very well right now by my own standards.

Being able to think and reflect is one of the reasons that I love hiking.

From now on, I’m going to try to just enjoy the moment and stop worrying about the future and when things are going to happen in my life.

Looking at my past shows me that every thing will come when it’s time.

I bought this turtle about 2 years ago when I went to New York.

Looking at this turtle reminds me to not take things for granted and to enjoy the moment.  Just like the tortoise and the hare, going at my own pace is the best.  I don’t have to be the fastest, prettiest, or smartest.  I just have to be the best me that I can be.

Tattoo

I recently got a new tattoo.  I didn’t expect to learn a life lesson while getting it but I did.

I had been looking for an orca tattoo for about 2 years.  I couldn’t find one that I liked.  I searched orca pictures and other people’s tattoos.  So I just stop looking.  I still wanted one.

When I went up to the San Juan Islands to whale watch last month, I had some time on my hands before the sea plane got back to the island.  I had just seen some killer whales on the whale watch tour.  I decided to go shopping.  In a little shop near the harbor, I came across a shirt.  I loved the design of the killer whale and it had, wild soul, written above the killer whale.  I immediately knew that that was the design that I had been looking for.  I knew that that was my tattoo.  I bought the shirt and then started to look for a tattoo shop that I wanted to have it done at.  There were so many tattoo shops in LA.  I didn’t know which one to choose.

I had wanted to get my tattoo done in Hawaii when I was in Hawaii two years ago.  I had liked the designs that I saw the tattoo artists doing in Hawaii.  I didn’t have a design that I liked at the time.  After my trip to the San Juan Islands, I was planning a trip to Maui.  I decided to get a tattoo in Maui.  I started to do some research on the tattoo shops on Maui.  I found one that I liked and booked an appointment.  I sent the tattoo artist a picture of the shirt that I had bought.

On my last full day in Maui, I went to the tattoo shop.  I was nervous but excited too.

When I got to the shop the artist said that he wanted to change the tattoo.  It would have the basic design that I sent him but with a few changes.  He wanted to switch the direction of the killer whale.  I agreed to that.  He also wanted to put some Polynesian style into it.  He wanted to put a turtle and a stingray inside of the killer whale.  I was so shocked that he would choose the turtle because turtles have a special meaning to me from my past life.  I agreed to the changes because he was making my tattoo idea even better.  He had said that he didn’t want me to have a tattoo design that anybody else had.  I looked up the meaning of turtles and stingrays while he finished the design.  These are the websites that I used:

https://www.spirit-animals.com/turtle/

https://www.spirit-animals.com/stingray/

The thing that stood out to me on the stingray website was the quote, “Have faith in your abilities and follow your inner guidance.”  That is something that I struggle with.

The thing that stood out to me on the turtle website was the quote, “Pay attention to details in your current project and take your time with it.  Don’t be tempted to skip steps or take short cuts.”  This is another thing that I struggle with.

When the design for the tattoo was done, he showed it to me and I said I loved it.  He had completely changed the killer whale.  He then asked me if I wanted some color on the words of the tattoo.  I told him that I hadn’t considered it.  I asked him what colors did he recommend.  He told me turquoise so that way it would go with the whole killer whale in the ocean theme.  I told him lets do it.  He was the tattoo artist so I trusted him.  I was a little worried because I didn’t know how the finished tattoo was going to look.

After he finished the killer whale, he comes up with another idea.  He wanted to have the words slanted and he wanted to change the colors.  He wanted to do three different colors.  He even told me sorry that he was throwing so many ideas at me.  I told him that he didn’t have to apologize.  He was making a unique tattoo for me.  For some reason I trusted him.  I agreed to the new changes and I’m so glad that I did.  The tattoo came out even better than I could have imagined.  I had envisioned a simple black tattoo just like the design of the shirt.

The lesson that I learned from this experience is to trust in God/Universe.  Sometimes what I envision for my life isn’t as beautiful as God’s plan.  Trust in the plan and my intuition.  God/Universe has always taken care of me.

I had seen myself in my dreams as a travel nurse, but I never saw all the adventures that I was going to have.

At times, it was very uncomfortable getting the tattoo.  Getting the letters was more painful than the killer whale.  I meditated and did some breathing exercises to keep my mind off the pain.

If I had just said no to the tattoo artist’s vision then I would have a simple tattoo that looked just like the shirt’s design.  There was nothing wrong with the original design but it doesn’t compare to the tattoo that I ended up getting.

Another lesson that I learned is everything comes when its the right time.  God/Universe will send what you need at the right time that you need it and not a minute sooner or a minute later.

I was getting frustrated at times when I couldn’t find a design that I liked for the tattoo.  For a while I just gave up looking for a tattoo design.  When the time was right, the design came to me.  I wasn’t even looking for a design when I saw the shirt.

If I had not chosen to take the sea plane to the island, then I wouldn’t have been able to go shopping after the whale watching tour.  I would have had to get on the ferry back to Seattle after the whale watching tour.  With the sea plane option, I had 3 hours after the whale watching tour to spend on the island until the sea plane got back.  That gave me the chance to see the shirt with the design on it.

Following is the picture of the original shirt design and then the tattoo.

Reminder

I got a reminder this week.

My life coach was telling me that she used a part of my story in her workshop.  She told me that she told the group of women about the times that I would go to the grocery store and buy the doughnuts and buy fruits and vegetables too.  I would end up throwing all the fruits and vegetables away because I didn’t eat them.  Sometimes I would put the fruits and vegetables in the garbage right away and sometimes I would put them in the refrigerator to be thrown away later.

I bought them because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was just buying doughnuts, cakes, and lunchables to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I remember a cashier stating that she didn’t understand why I was buying doughnuts when I had all the other healthy foods.  I felt like I had to say something.  I lied to her and said that the doughnuts were for work.

I would only buy 2 boxes of doughnuts at a time.  That means that I would have to go to the grocery story about 2 or 3 times a week.  Those 2 boxes usually lasted about a day or two.  I would have at least 3 grocery stores that I would go to.  I kept a mental note of the grocery store that I last went to so that way I wouldn’t be going to the same grocery store more than once a week.  Sometimes I would forget and have to drive past that particular grocery store and drive to another one that was close by because I had already been to that one that week.  I didn’t want to be judged by any one for buying so many doughnuts and cakes.

Thinking back on that time, it makes me feel exhausted to think of some of the things that I put myself through.

When self check out came around, that became my best friend.  Doing self check out meant that the cashier couldn’t comment on me buying so many doughnuts.  I also didn’t have to buy so many fruits and vegetables.  I did feel bad for throwing those things away.  I could have fed so many people with the food that I threw away.

Now when I go to the grocery store, I only buy what I’m going to eat.  If I happen to want some muffins or cookies then I get them.  I don’t feel any shame or judgment any more.  I know that I am taking care of myself.  I don’t deny myself my cravings.

I’m also not afraid to tell my story now.  I’m finding that my story can inspire other people.  If I can change my life then so can any one else.

I went from staying home most of the time to traveling the US, jumping out of airplanes, and doing so many things by myself.  I never in a million years imagined that my life could be so good.  Its good that I got a reminder of where I started.  It showed me how far I’m come from that woman that I was just 3 years ago.