Still Learning

Yesterday, I had a awful day at work.  It was so busy I didn’t get to take a lunch break.  I barely drank any water.  By the end of the shift, I felt so tired and drained.

I did learn a new lesson.

Towards the end of my shift, I found myself getting internally mad at the charge nurse.  I was getting mad at her for not helping me out more or asking if I needed any help.  Usually the other charge nurses come around and ask if you need any help throughout the shift.

When I had some time to sit down and chart, I asked myself why I was getting mad.  The answer came to me, I wasn’t mad at the charge nurse.  I was mad at myself for not asking for more help.  I was expecting the charge nurse to know how busy I was without me saying anything.

Have you ever gotten mad at someone for not helping you?  Have you ever gotten mad at the other person for not knowing why you are mad?

What I should have done instead of getting mad was to ask for help.  I usually take my lunch break around 3 pm.  At that time, I should have told the charge nurse to help with my patients so that I can take a break.  I’m sure she would have said yes and I could have eaten.  Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so tired had I eaten something.

One of my patient’s even pointed out that my eyes were watering a lot because I was so tired.  I had to agree with her.

I can’t get mad at someone for not helping if I didn’t ask for help or let them know what I was going through.

I made it through the shift and couldn’t wait to get home and get to sleep.

The next time I get really busy, I’m going to ask for help and take my lunch break.  Yes, I’ll get paid for not taking a lunch break but I would rather have taken it.  That money isn’t worth working 12 hours with no lunch break.

I get home and get ready for bed.  Then I started to get the signals from the Universe that I was about to see a bug.  Every time before I see a bug I get signals.  Or if there is a bug in my room already, I won’t be able to go to sleep.  I was so tired but I just couldn’t fall asleep.  So I started to play on my phone just waiting for the moment.

Around 1 am, it finally happened.  The bug came out of hiding and I was able to kill it and then I was finally able to go to sleep.

While I was tired, I was grateful that I didn’t fall asleep.  I do understand that bugs have the right to live.  I just don’t want them in the house.

The lesson I learned in that moment was that the Universe always takes care of me.  I was able to get a sound sleep after that.

I’m glad that I’m still learning lessons and hopefully I can put them into practice and ask for help.

Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak, it means that you are strong enough to recognize that you need help.

Spirit Animals

I was recently watching a video of some orcas or killer whales playing in California.  I had a thought.

Orcas are the apex predator of the ocean.  One reason is that they have relationships and they have each others back.  They teach the younger orcas to hunt.  Some orcas hunt sharks, some hunt stingrays, and some eat fish.  Different orca pods teach their young different skills.

Orcas survive in pods.

I used to think that the great white shark was the top predator in the ocean.  That changed when I saw the movie, A Whale That Ate Jaws.  Before that movie I never knew that orcas ate sharks.  The movie shows a whale watching company that saw a great white shark get attacked and killed by an orca.  The orca rammed the shark and turned it upside down until it stopped breathing.

Great white sharks are solitary animals.  The moms don’t teach the young to hunt.  The baby sharks are independent from birth.  At least this is what the scientists believe, they don’t know too much about the mating habits or birthing habits of the great white shark but they do know that they spend most of their lives alone.

This got me to thinking that humans do better when they are in relationships and not so solitary.  Its ok to be by yourself for a while but not for a long time.

I used to be solitary for a long time.  I remember I would go to work and the grocery store and that was about it for a couple of years.  I would see my friends about every 6 months and my family about twice a month.  Now I am more social. I’m not just focusing on getting a romantic relationship, I have family and friendships that I can be fulfilled in.

The lesson that I learned from this video is that orcas have balance.  They hunt when needed, they play when needed and they sleep when needed.  They don’t work themselves to the bone hunting all the time.

I would have dreams about orcas.  They would teach me so much in those dreams.  That’s why I consider orcas my spirit animals. I’ve always been interested in them since I was a child.  I wanted to be an oceanographer when I was little.  This is an excerpt  from http://www.spirit-animals.com about orcas:

Just this morning I woke up and I looked up the meaning of elephants.  My landlord has a picture of an elephant in my room.

It’s a beautiful picture.  After having a conversation with my best friends last night, the message fit with that conversation. This is an excerpt from http://www.spirit-animals.com:

The message that I got from this is to take care of yourself first before you help others and your “instincts will lead you where you need to go.”  The other message I took from this is the need to “unearth buried memories so that you can release them.”  To me that last sentence can mean to look into your past lives to see lessons that need to be learned.  I agree that a person has to take care of themselves first before helping others.

When I first became a nurse, I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I would get tired from walking up one flight of stairs or doing just one round of compressions on a patient.  I felt like a hypocrite when I was teaching my patients about their diet when I was clearly not eating healthy myself.  I wouldn’t even take my lunch breaks or any bathroom breaks either.  When I started to take care of myself, I became a better nurse.  I now walk up 7 flights of stairs and only get winded when I get to the 5th floor.  I can’t help anyone else if my cup is empty.

The other part about shifting focus I don’t feel like I need to do that part just now.  I feel like I’m looking at the bigger picture already.  I know I always have room to grow and learn.  I will listen to other viewpoints and I won’t ever stop learning.

I believe that nature can teach us lessons.  Nature has balance.  The animals don’t kill all of the animals they eat at one time.  They only eat what they need.  They rest when needed and play when needed.  Every animal you see has a meaning or a message.

What animal do you like?

Maybe that animal has a message for you.

Ode to Alopecia

Alopecia you tried it!

You tried to take my identity, my beauty, and confidence.

You taught me a valuable lesson and for that I’m grateful.

My beauty, identity, and confidence isn’t in my hair.  It’s inside of me.

It’s my soul.  My soul is where my beauty, identity, and confidence is.

Alopecia you can’t ever touch that.

I am grateful that you showed up because I wouldn’t have known that anything was wrong with my body.

I get to define my beauty, my identity, and my confidence.

No one else or a disease can define that.

A.L.O.P.E.C.I.A.

Always been beautiful.

Love myself.

Only I can define my beauty, my identity, and my confidence.

Perfectly imperfect.

Empress.

Confidence is inside not on my head.

I can never lose my worth.

Alopecia can’t beat me.

Shavawn Boyer

 

 

 

Loyalty

Recently a nurse died after she was attacked at work.  The situation saddens me.

Nurses are loyal by nature.  This situation has me thinking that maybe we aren’t being loyal to ourselves.

Some reports of the incident said that the nurse finished her shift and some reports said that she didn’t and she went to the ER.  She sustained a torn ACL and her head was slammed against a desk.  I don’t think with those injuries she could have finished her shift but maybe she felt fine and thought that she could.  The unit may have been understaffed already and she didn’t want to put her fellow nurses in a bind by going to the ER.  This patient attacked multiple nurses.  I know that not all of the nurses could go to the ER at the same time.

I remember when I got my first job as an RN.  I wanted to be a good nurse.  At that time, in my mind, being a good nurse meant that you inconvenienced yourself.

For example, not taking a lunch break, staying 4 hours after the shift when someone called out, not letting management know that I hadn’t taken a lunch break, and going to work even if I was sick.  I probably lost out on hundreds of dollars by not telling management about not taking my lunch breaks.  I learned early on not to tell because I got called into the office and told that I need to work on my time management skills because I wasn’t able to take my lunch breaks.  It was hard being a charge nurse with 6 patients of my own.  When I stayed till eleven o’clock to help out, I still had to drive an hour home.  So I wouldn’t get home until midnight.  Those days were the longest days.  I got up at 4 am and wouldn’t get into the bed until after 12:30 am.  Sometimes I would have to work the next day.  The only thing that saved me those days is that the manager would let me come in at 11 am instead of being there at 7 am so that I could get some sleep.

I learned how to say no when they asked me to stay afterwards all the time.  I would do it sometimes but not all the time.  I was getting so sleepy trying to drive home after a 16 hour shift.  I was also spending a lot of money on hotels when I was too tired to drive home.  I didn’t want to get into an accident by being so sleepy.  I had to learn my limits.  I was in my late twenties but I was starting to feel like I was older than that.  I wasn’t taking any care of myself.

I also had to learn how to say no to my co-workers.  I don’t like to work 3 days in a row.  I never have liked to.  I’ll do it sometimes but I don’t like it.  When my co-workers would ask me to switch a day on my schedule that would put me working 3 days in a row, I would have to say no.  I also love to have 3 days off in a row too when it happens.  I don’t ask for it but I love when the scheduler puts it in my schedule.  It feels like a mini vacation when it happens.  When my co-workers would ask to switch because they saw that I had 3 days off, I would most of the time tell them no.  I learned that I had to stop inconveniencing myself all the time so that they would like me.  I will help when I can but I do have the right to say no, just like they have the right to ask.

I remember one time when I went to work sick.  I was giving a patient their medicine and all of a sudden the room started to spin.  My ears started to ring.  I had to sit down on the small dresser and take some deep breaths.  Eventually the room stopped spinning and my ears stopped ringing.  I had been feeling sick that morning.  I didn’t want to call out because we were already short staffed.  Once I got to work and had that dizzy spell, I was also scared to drive home.  I lived an hour away from my job.  What if a dizzy spell happened while I was driving home?  So I worked my shift.  Thankfully I didn’t have another dizzy spell and I was able to drive home safely but I probably should have stayed home and taken myself to a doctor.

Do you think that nurses are loyal to other people more than they are to themselves?

In my experience when I take care of myself, I’m able to be a better nurse for my patients.  I have to be loyal to myself first before I can be loyal to anyone else.  I can’t give anything when my cup is empty.

Nurses are givers by nature.  We love to take care of our patients and help them but when it comes to ourselves we put ourselves last on the list.

Maybe we can’t change that overnight but maybe we can start by eating a healthy lunch at work or drinking more water.  Your mood and energy level starts with the food that you put in your body.  Its a small step that will have a major impact on you.

Timelines

I recently had someone tell me that I’m almost 40 and I need to put down some roots somewhere.

I’m so glad I have a life coach.  I sent her an email about the situation and she reminded me of something.

I don’t need to live my life how anyone else wants me to live my life.

I did that for about 30 years and it never worked for me.

I feel like society and some people around me have a time line for my life.  At 40, I should be married with kids, living in a nice house, and have a career.

I have found out that you can plan your life in a certain way but life doesn’t always go as you plan it sometimes.

When I was in my early twenties, I didn’t know what I wanted to do in college.  At the time, all I wanted to do was get married and start having kids.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I wanted to be married right out of high school.  I could have cared less about going to college and getting a degree.  I was trying to force relationships with guys that I knew wouldn’t last.  I eventually had to give up on that idea and start thinking about what I wanted to do in my life.  To be honest, if I had of gotten married in college, I would have probably dropped out of college.  The first 2 years of college, I didn’t see the point because I didn’t have a major and didn’t know what I wanted my career to be.  After the third year started and no proposals, I had to decide on a career.

I do know that I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I had of stuck to that plan.

Being a nurse has helped me tremendously in my life.  I am glad that I chose to become a nurse.

Like my life coach says, its ok to have a plan but its also ok to be open to changes.  God/Universe will work things out and sometimes it doesn’t look like what we planned.

For example, last year I wanted to take some time off but I also wanted to extend at the hospital that I was at.  I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to extend because I wanted to take a vacation.  I decided to try anyway.  I asked for a week off after my assignment ended and then I would work for 4 weeks and take another week off after that.  My contract was accepted.  So now that has become my norm.  After I work the first 3 months, I take off a week every four weeks.  That way I can go somewhere for a week or just stay at home.  My mood has improved because I know that I have a vacation coming after working four weeks.  When I started travel nursing, I never imagined that I could take so many vacations.  Some travel nurses work for 6 months and then take 6 months off.  Some take a month off in between every assignment.  I didn’t know that was possible until I became a travel nurse and started talking to other travel nurses.

To some people around me that life style isn’t good enough.  A woman approaching 40 should have a house, she should be on her way to being married with kids, and have a stable career.

Right now I don’t know if I want to settle down somewhere.  I like being a travel nurse because I can take a vacation when ever I want to.  As a permanent staff nurse, I would have to build up enough PTO to take a vacation and I have to have it approved before I purchase anything for a vacation.  I remember at my one of my permanent jobs, administration would tell us not to book anything for a vacation until the time off was approved.  Even if we saw a great price on a plane ticket don’t purchase it because the time off might not be approved.  For example about 6 years ago, a nurse that I knew was planning her wedding, and she had enough PTO saved up to take a month off.  She only wanted 2 weeks off.  The floor was so short staffed that she was only approved for one week off.  The hospital gave her the week off for her honeymoon but not her wedding week.  That nurse ended up having to postpone her wedding.  Some hospitals are so short staffed that they aren’t able to give the nurses the time off that the nurses request.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t meeting your time line or some one else’s time line for your life?

Every thing happens when its supposed to happen.

I needed to take some time off from dating and get to know myself and love myself.  There was nothing wrong with that.

I’ve learned that every one has a different path in life and also a different time line for their life.  Some people get married in their twenties.  Some people get married in their sixties.  Some people have children and some don’t.  Some people become a millionaire and some don’t.  Some people own their own business and some don’t.

Just because a person isn’t where some one else wants them to be in their life doesn’t mean that the person isn’t on the right path for them.

As a woman I do feel pressure from my family and society to be married and have kids.  Especially since I’m in my late thirties.  Some of my patients ask me why I’m not married yet.  Some of them even try to hook me up with their sons or another family member.  Some patients tell me not to settle and that its ok to wait to be married and have kids.  I will get married but in my own time.

Every one has their own dreams and goals in life.  I’m working towards a life that I love and in my own time.

I read this quote recently, “Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” – Chinese Proverb.

Just one more quote that I love from Steve Jobs.  “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most importantly have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

 

Abstinence

I recently went to an overeaters anonymous meeting and to become a speaker a person had to practice abstinence for 90 days.  Abstinence from the food that the overeaters binge on.  While I understand abstinence from the food for a while but to give up your favorite food for the rest of your life would be really hard to do.  Usually the overeaters binge on food that they like.  The binge food is usually filled with a lot of sugar, like cake, doughnuts, and fast food.  My binge was doughnuts and cakes, which are my favorite foods.  I love red velvet cake, glazed doughnuts with chocolate, and pancakes.

For a while, when I was losing weight, I was able to give them up and not eat those foods.  But after losing the weight, I slowly added them back into my life.  I’ve added back muffins and cake.  That choice is one of the reasons that I have gained some weight recently.

I thought about why I eat my favorite foods.  It isn’t just because they taste good to me.  Its the feeling that I get when I eat it.  When I eat pancakes, I remember the times when I was little and my mom would cook pancakes on Saturdays.  I looked forward to that when I was a child because I liked the taste of pancakes.  I even remember when my mom had to work weekends and my dad would cook the pancakes.  They wouldn’t taste the same as my mom’s pancakes even though he used the same pancake batter.  I know I could recall those memories any time that I wanted to but I can get them also when I eat pancakes.

I wonder how many people eat their favorite foods because it helps them to bring back some good memories from childhood or a good time that they had.

Do you eat your favorite food just because you like the taste or is it the memories also?

If you had to give up your favorite food for the rest of your life, would you or could you?

I’ve found that having a balance is better for me than abstinence.  I’ve always liked sweets and that hasn’t changed since I became a vegetarian.  I’ve found some vegan chocolate chips muffins at Whole Foods that I love.  That helps with the sweet tooth at times.  Some times I just want a piece of red velvet cake too.  I have also found that almonds covered in dark chocolate help as well.  I just have to find a balance between eating some of my favorite foods and taking care of myself.

I did abstinence in the past in the wrong way and sent myself to the ER.  I took out carbs and fruits from my diet for about five weeks.  That didn’t turn out well.  You can read what happened in the first post that I wrote on this blog.

I do agree with abstinence from binge eating, that behavior doesn’t work at all.  I do agree with giving up your favorite food for a while.  After the person gains control of their eating habits, that person may find that they don’t like the taste for the food anymore.  Some cakes that I used to love now make my stomach bloat, hurt, and the cake tastes too sweet.  I never would have guessed that I would say that because I used to love really sweet cakes.  Some of the red velvet cakes make my stomach hurt.  My taste buds have changed.  I love to eat vegetables now.

Its ok to have balance.  I’m not going to give up my favorite foods for the rest of my life but I will not let them control me like I allowed in the past.  I will not use them to deal with my feelings like I did in the past.  I have developed healthy coping habits to deal with my feelings and I will continue to show myself love.  I will be kind to myself for gaining some weight and I will lose the weight.  I can’t change the past but I can change the future.

I’ve found I can’t stick to a diet but I have found a lifestyle that I can maintain.  I have gotten off balance lately but I am able to get back into balance.

If you yourself have found yourself falling out of balance or off the wagon as the saying goes.  Its ok.  You can get back into balance and keep going.  Nobody is perfect all the time.  I show my imperfections on this blog to help people see that no body is perfect and has it all together.

I’m imperfect and I’m the perfect Shavawn!!

 

Your Cells are Listening to Your Thoughts

I was recently talking to my life coach and she was telling me about some research she did that stated that your cells listen to your thoughts.  That statement just made so much sense to me.  The more I thought about that statement the more it rang true with my spirit.

I remember I used to get a bad cold at least twice a year.  My throat would start to get dry and scratchy.  I would then think to myself that I was getting sick.  I would take on the role mentally of being sick.  Now when I feel my throat getting dry and scratchy, I just think to myself that I’m not getting sick.  I don’t entertain the thought of being sick or take on the role.  I haven’t had a cold in about 2 years now.  I do attribute that to me not taking on the role, my thoughts, and of course God/Universe.

Every time I go to work, I am exposed to different germs. I’ve taken care of patients and come back the next day and the patient is on contact precautions.  I’ve already been exposed to the germs the patient had the day before.

Another example, is on the first day of my period, I used to get bad cramps.  I would have to take medicine and I could feel when the medicine was starting to work.  The cramps wouldn’t start until I realized that my period started.  When my period would start overnight, the cramps wouldn’t start until I was aware that my period started.  I remember I used to think to myself, when I saw my period had started, oh boy here come the cramps and then the cramps would start.  I noticed that when my period started while I was at work, I didn’t have any cramps.  I noticed the difference was that I wasn’t thinking of my cramps while I was at work.  I had so much to do at work, I didn’t have time to think about my cramps.

In the past three years, I’ve only had cramps with four of my periods.  The cramps haven’t been bad, I don’t even take any medication when I have the cramps.  I had been on birth control for around 10 years and I didn’t have any cramps when I was on birth control.  Its been about 8 years since I got off of birth control.  I don’t know if that affected my body and that may be why I have cramps with some periods and some periods not.

This morning, I was reminded of how bad my cramps could get.  My period started before I went to bed.  I wasn’t worried about having any cramps.  I didn’t take any medicine, I just went to bed.  I just assumed I wouldn’t have any cramps.  When I was making lunch, I started to feel light headed, feeling like I had to have a bowel movement, feeling weak, and I started to get cramps.  I forgot about those other symptoms that I used to get until that moment.  I couldn’t even finish making my lunch before I had to get my mom to help me to the couch.  My ears were ringing, the room was becoming fuzzy and I was feeling weak.  It had been years since I felt like this.  Those symptoms started when I had my fourth period when I was in middle school.  I took some motrin and then I had to lay down.  I had to toss from side to side a little because it didn’t feel good to stay in one place.  The movement of turning from side to side helps a little with the cramps.  I could feel when the motrin started to work.  It was like God/Universe was reminding me of how bad it could get.  Thankfully I have never felt like that at work because I would not have been able to continue to stay at work or even drive myself home.

Another example are my patients.  I used to work at a hospital that had the 5 P’s.  We were supposed to do the 5 P’s every time we went into the patient’s room.  The 5 P’s are position, potty, possessions, pain, and I can’t remember the last P. The managers would sometimes stand outside the door while I was in the room just to see if I was asking the patient about the 5 P’s.  We would ask the patient if they needed to go to the bathroom, change their positions in bed, or get to the chair to sit, if they had their possessions in arms reach, and if they were having any pain.  Some of my patient’s would say that they weren’t having any pain at the time that I asked.  About 5 minutes later, the patient would call and ask for pain medication.  The patient would tell me that they thought about it and the pain came back.  Just 5 minutes ago, the patient stated that they were having no pain.

What are your cells listening to?  Are your thoughts negative or positive and what reality are you shaping for yourself?  Are you ignoring something hoping that is will go away?

Your thoughts create your reality.

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” – Henry Ford.

I love that quote.

You are the only one who sets your limits. 

I use to tell myself that it was too overwhelming to lose 50 pounds.  I used to tell myself that I had to lose weight before I became a travel nurse.  I used to tell myself that I couldn’t do things alone like go on vacation.  I was limiting myself with those thoughts and beliefs about myself.  When I changed my thinking about myself, I was able to achieve my dreams.  I lost the weight without a diet, I became a travel nurse, and I go on solo vacations.  God/Universe takes care of me.  I believe that I can overcome alopecia without steroid injections or creams.

Ever since I started to love myself and become more positive, my life has become more positive and loving.

 

Emotional Rollercoaster

I recently went to an overeaters anonymous meeting.   I went there because in San Diego they have a speakers and a sharing meeting.  I wanted to see what a person had to do to become a speaker.

As the speaker started to tell her story, I realized that I could relate to most of the things that she was sharing.  I had been through most of those things with my own food struggles.  I had tried the fad diets and binge eating.  When that speaker was done, she opened the floor for other people to share their stories.  I found that I could also relate to most of the other people’s struggles with food.

Then came the time for the new people to introduce themselves.  The group turned and looked at me.

I said, “Hi, My name is Shavawn.”

I paused and let them say hi Shavawn.

I continued and I said that I was a travel nurse in San Diego but originally from Georgia.

Those two sentences seem very small but they are big in my world.

I didn’t introduce myself as an overeater.  All the other people stated their names and then proceeded to say that they were a compulsive overeater.  I didn’t.

I don’t consider myself an overeater anymore. 

I was overjoyed that I don’t look at myself as an overeater anymore.  After saying those two sentences, I wanted to jump up and start to do my happy dance.

I also realized that most of the 12 steps that they used, I have already done those steps with my life coach.  I don’t have to practice abstinence with any food now because I know I don’t want to go back to the way things were.  I have people to inspire and I love myself too much to allow myself to go back to the way I was when I had my eating disorder.

I learned that I changed the way that I see myself.  I wouldn’t have realized that had I not gone to that meeting.

This lesson came at the perfect time too.  I recently got back into the dating world and things haven’t been going my way the last two weeks.  One guy ghosted me after 2 dates, another messaged me only one time and disappeared, and still another one didn’t respond at all.  I also sprained my ankle on that first date.  My ego was hurt after all that.  I realize that not every man is going to like me, but I would make a awesome girlfriend and wife.  I really did like one of those guys but maybe all of those things happened to get me closer to the guy that I’m supposed to be with.

For a couple of days my ego was hurt.  I had to have a talk with myself.  I told myself that I could no longer base my self esteem on my relationships.  I had done that for thirty years and it didn’t work for me.  I didn’t like the emotional rollercoaster that I had allowed myself to be on when I practiced that bad habit.  I couldn’t allow myself to go back to the way I was when I was allowing other people to be responsible for my self esteem by being in a relationship with me.

It was okay for me to be sad for a little bit but what was not okay was for me to continue to beat myself up about what made the guys stop talking to me.  I was being myself and some guys will like it and some won’t.  I will never know why they stopped talking to me and it is also none of my business.  My business is to keep loving myself and being myself.

I know that God/Universe always takes care of me in all situations.

After the overeaters anonymous meeting, I drove to Newport Beach and went whale watching.  I went whale watching because I needed to do some self care.  Being near water and seeing whales always gets me in a good mood.

I would love to read in the comments, what is something that you have been doing that you are ready to let go of because it no longer helps you?  Do you want to get off of your emotional rollercoaster?

It could be something like you are going to stop being so negative to yourself or you are going to stop beating yourself up for a mistake that you have made.

I’m letting go of beating myself up and I’m letting go of putting myself on the emotional rollercoaster.  I’m going to be myself and the people who appreciate it will stay in my life and the others will leave.  My self esteem is up to me and no one else.

 

 

Dating and Alopecia

I’ve recently decided that I will possibly get back into dating but there is a problem.

My alopecia is getting worse.  The bald spot is getting bigger.  I used to be able to hide it even when I put my hair in a ponytail.  Not anymore.  If a person were to look closely then they would be able to see the bald spot with my hair in a ponytail.  When I wear my hair down the bald spot doesn’t show.

This is bothering me because I might have to start telling people about my alopecia.

I thought about hiding it with a wig, weave, scarf, or a headband.  At work, I wear my hair in a ponytail and I would be comfortable wearing a headband to cover the bald spot.  I haven’t ever worn a wig or a weave.  I don’t want to go that route.  I did a little research into wigs and the ones that looked more realistic were more expensive.  I even looked into putting makeup on the bald spot.  I don’t wear makeup anymore.  Then I asked myself a question.

Do I really want to hide what I’m going through or do I want to be myself?

I’ve been hiding myself for over 30 years.  I’ve just recently started to love the woman that I have become.

I’m not saying that the woman who have alopecia and choose to wear wigs, weaves, scarves, or headbands are hiding themselves.  Every one doesn’t need to know every thing about you.  I don’t want my co-workers knowing about my alopecia.

I’m saying that for myself it would feel like I’m hiding a part of myself if I wore a wig or a weave.  I would feel uncomfortable going out in public with a weave or a wig.  I’ve never worn one and I wouldn’t know how to.  I’m finding that I just don’t want to go that route.

My life coach also told me that maybe this alopecia is enabling me to be a more authentic me.  Having this will weed out the guys that are only superficial.

I was thinking of having a photo shoot done and have a few pictures showing the bald spot.  I was going to use one of those on my dating profile.  It wouldn’t be the first profile picture but it would be in there.  That way the guy would know beforehand and would be able to choose whether he could handle it or not.  If they can’t handle it then we wouldn’t waste each other’s times.

The Mona Lisa painting doesn’t get any less beautiful or any less valuable because someone doesn’t think that its not beautiful or valuable.  I say that to say that just because I’m losing some hair doesn’t make me any less beautiful or valuable.  That is what I told myself before I put up my dating profile on a dating app.

I did go out on a date and I had so much fun.  I have really changed.  I didn’t even recognize myself.  The conversation flowed naturally.  I actually went hiking and it was raining.  I was a bit nervous because I did have to put my hair in a ponytail.  I didn’t know if the bald spot was showing or not but I just kept talking and having fun.  Usually when I like a guy, I’m very shy and don’t talk much.  The reason I wouldn’t talk much is because I was scared that he wouldn’t like me or find me too weird.  This is a different Shavawn that I’m seeing.  I’m not afraid to show the real me anymore.  If a guy likes it then great and if he doesn’t then that is still great also.

I can’t let the alopecia stop me from doing what I want to do.  I want to find love and I’m going to find it.

Are you allowing something to stop you from doing what you want to do?

Maybe if you do what you have been scared to do, you might end up having some fun or discovering that you are good at it.

 

Patterns

I have recently been noticing a pattern in my life.

A lot of my patients have been in denial lately.  I could see how that denial was not only affecting them but their families as well.

I was seeing an energy ripple effect happening.  When a person doesn’t deal with an issue it effects the people that are around that person also.

I was having a talk with my life coach and she asked me a hard question.  She told me that when people notice a pattern around them that could also mean that the Universe is trying to tell them something.  It could be that I was indulging in the pattern that I was noticing.

She asked me what I was denying in my own life.

I immediately knew the answer.  I had a lot of time to think this past week.  I got an unexpected week off from work last week.  I enjoyed myself and took some time to reflect on my life.

I was denying that I have not been eating well lately.  I have been eating more sweets than usual.  I haven’t been showing myself love.  The reason that I have been doing that is because I’m ready to fall in love.  I have not dated in 9 years.  In March it will be 10 years since I went on a date.  The first few years that I decided not to date was to get to know myself.  I’m 36 and I’ve never fallen in love.  I don’t know if I should continue to wait or start dating.

Now that I have become the woman that I saw in my dreams, I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.

During the talk with my life coach, I told her about one of my patients being a hoarder.  I realized as I was telling her the story that I have been hoarding my love in a way.

Love is an energy that needs to flow like water.  When water is stagnant it becomes stale and dirty.  For a while I did need to hoard my love and start to love myself.  I’m grateful for the love that I do have in my life, its just not romantic love.  When will it be the right time, I don’t know.  But like my life coach said there will be a 0% chance of getting to a fourth date with a man if I don’t date.  I have never made it past the third date and not had the feeling that that man wasn’t the one for me.  That is one of the reasons that I don’t like dating.

I had made an account on Tinder and Match.com a few months ago.  It just didn’t feel right.  I had to pay to see the messages that I had gotten.  I didn’t want to create another monthly bill.  I wasn’t enjoying it or having any fun.  I ended up deleting my accounts.

During our talk, I also realized that I needed to change my energy.  Whenever I get a feeling that a guy wanted to approach me, I start singing in my head.  The song that I sing is Beyoncé’s – End of Time.  The part I sing to myself is the beginning of the song, Don’t fuck with me, you’re not Jay-Z.  Except I sing, Don’t fuck with me you’re not Lil Wayne.  I remixed that part.  I keep saying that phrase over and over in my head.  That always keeps the men from coming up to me.  The energy that I’m putting out there is don’t approach me and it works.

I have to open myself up to the idea of dating.  When I meet my future husband, we are probably going to have to date.  I would love to just get married on the second date but I understand that that may or may not happen.

My life coach also made a statement that really got me to thinking.  She said by me not dating maybe I’m withholding experiences from other people.  Maybe they had some lessons that I could teach them or some lessons that I needed to learn from them.  That really hit home.  The 2 boyfriends that I’ve had taught me so many lessons even though I knew they weren’t the man for me.  I still think that for a time I did need to stop dating to get to love myself.  I used to define myself through my romantic relationships.

I do know that I will start taking better care of myself and showing myself love.  The food choices that I make every day will either help me to my dreams or not help me.

What patterns have you been noticing in your own life?

The people around you are your mirrors.  If you have a lot of angry people around you then that is the energy that you are putting out there.  The energy that you put out comes back to you.  The very thing that you call someone else may be the very thing that you yourself are guilty of.  It’s ok to check yourself and ask yourself questions.  Am I in denial?  Am I being selfish?  If the answer is yes then you have an opportunity to work on yourself and do better.  If the answer is no, then you can relax and know that for now you are doing good in that area of your life.  When my friend called me selfish, I examined myself.  I asked myself, am I being selfish.  My answer was no and then I relaxed.

I had tried writing this post for 2 weeks now and I couldn’t finish it.  The reason I couldn’t finish was because I hadn’t realized that I was in denial.  As soon as I had the talk with my life coach, the blog post was easy to write.  I wanted to tell my patient’s story because it was a perfect example of how not dealing with your own issues can affect the people around you but that wasn’t my story to tell.

Now that I’m gotten to the bottom of my issues, I have some action steps to take and a story to tell.  I felt so much lighter after my talk with my life coach.  I never realized how much having a life coach helps.  She will ask me the hard questions.  Like she says, she doesn’t care about people liking her, she cares about getting results for her clients.  Sometimes that means asking the hard questions.  Some times, I am shocked by the questions but those questions turn out to be so necessary.  In my opinion, its always great to have someone in your life that will ask you the hard questions.  I’m grateful to have my life coach in my life.

If you are noticing any patterns in your life, I challenge you to look at yourself and see if that pattern is in your own life.  Maybe God/Universe is trying to show you that you yourself are indulging in that pattern.  I just started singing this next song in my head as I was typing that last sentence.  I don’t own the rights to this next song, but it sums up what I just said.  I love this scene from the Color Purple.  For some people who haven’t watched this movie, this scene is powerful.  The pastor would not forgive his daughter for something that she did. I can’t remember what she did.  He hadn’t talked to her for years.  The pastor preached about forgiveness but couldn’t forgive his own daughter until this moment.