I’ve recently been watching a show on TLC called my 600 pound life.  I can relate to a lot of the issues on this show.  I can relate when some of them said that they blank out when they eat.  Which means that they don’t feel anything.  They escape from their feelings.  It’s only temporary but that is why you have to keep eating the food to keep getting that numbing feeling.  Sometimes when you binge, you get “high”.  You feel the most incredible excitement.  I would almost not even want to get full so that I could keep eating more.  I wanted that excitement to last forever.  It would only last as soon as the last doughnut was eaten and then I would start to feel guilty and horrible about myself.  I would stay at home and not go out much.  I felt like a prisoner in my body.  I hated the way I looked in clothes.  I would make up excuses when friends asked me to go out so that I could stay at home.  I would be excited to go out until I started to try on my clothing and then my self esteem would go down because I didn’t like the way the clothes fit me.  I didn’t like that I had to get a bigger size in my clothing.  Another issue from the show is that when the patients go to the doctor they lie about what they have been eating.  They say that they don’t know why they haven’t lost any weight but they are in denial.  I was in denial too.  I was embarrassed and scared to tell the truth about what I was actually eating.  I only binged when I was alone.  It’s very hard to change your eating habits, especially when you have been using food to deal with your emotions.  Food is always there.  Even now when some of my patients want to thank me they get their family members to bring in doughnuts or a cake to us.  Now I usually just leave it for the other nurses.  Sometimes it’s hard to say no.  I still remember how the doughnuts taste.  I indulge sometimes but not all the times like I used to do.  I have other things to lean on now.  I talk to my friends and my parents now.  I have a blog.  I go out to exercise.  I sit by a river or a lake.  That rejuvenates me.  It makes me feel so peaceful when I’m sitting by a river or a lake.  I can relate to their struggles.  It’s a daily struggle to show yourself that you love yourself.  Some days I get lazy.  Some days I’m tired after work.  I go to work and give so much to my patients, that when I get home I’m just tired.  I don’t feel like exercising and I don’t even feel like eating.  I just feel like going to bed.  I’ve learned that if I fall off the wagon, I just need to get back up and continue.  In the past, if I binged then I would just continue binging.  Now if I have a doughnut, I don’t continue to eat just doughnuts.  I still eat my raw vegetables and my smoothie.  I don’t feel guilty.  I’m just human.  I don’t deny myself what I want.  I also don’t give in every time I feel like it.  I examine my emotions and figure out why I’m having a craving.  I journal it and get it out.  I’m making progress and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely done.  This is some thing that I’m going to be working on for the rest of my life and I’m finally up for the challenge.