I Wasn’t Ready

I recently had a conversation that got me thinking.

When I was in my twenties, I thought that I was ready to fall in love and be in a relationship.  Looking back, I wasn’t ready.

How could I ask someone else to love me, when I didn’t love myself?

I didn’t know myself.  I was trying to find out who I was.  I was scared to know myself.  What if I didn’t like what I found?

I used to hate when other people would point out my flaws.  I remember when my best friends used to point them out, I would just leave and go home.  I didn’t know how to handle what they were telling me.

The truth is that everybody has flaws.

The first step that I took to get to love and know myself, was to get help.  In my opinion, most people could benefit from having a life coach at some point in their lives.  The second step was to eat healthy because that would affect my mood.  The third step was to change the way I talked to myself.  I had to let go of all the negative talking that I would do to myself.  Like my life coach asked me, “If I wouldn’t say those things to my patients, then why would I say it to myself?”  In the past, I remixed the song, “I’m beautiful”, to I’m ugly.  I would sing that to myself in my head.  I stopped doing that to myself.  I’m a beautiful person, inside and out.

When I started to fall in love with myself then I accepted myself, flaws and all.  I may not be the prettiest, smartest, fastest, or richest, but I can be Shavawn like no one else can be.  I jokingly call myself the Queen of the World with a co-worker.  In reality, I am the Queen of my world.  I can’t let other peoples opinion of me effect me.  To some of my patients, I’m a good nurse.  To other patients, I’m a bad nurse.  I know that I did the best that I could do.

Now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve fallen in love with myself.  I’m a work in progress and I love the life that I’m cultivating.  I’m noticing that people want to be around me more.  I can tell that my energy is different.

Now I feel like I am ready for love.  Not just romantic love, but family love, friendship love, and most importantly loving myself.  Not loving myself, affected every relationship that I had.  I didn’t know how to love other people because I wasn’t loving myself.  I felt like I wasn’t worthy of receiving love.  It was easy for me to give love to other people and take care of other people.

Now that I love myself, I let what other people say about me, roll off my back.  Recently I had a patient tell me her opinion of me.  It wasn’t good but I don’t even remember what she said.  I do remember telling her that she had the right to think that about me but her opinion of me wasn’t going to change the way I thought of myself.  The next day I had that same patient again and she apologized to me.  I accepted her apology and moved on.  In the old days, I would have been devastated and tried to prove to her that that opinion was unjustified.

I love myself, flaws and all.

I’m letting God know that I’m ready.


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