Hurting Myself

While I was in RN school, we had the summer off.  I had gained about 20 pounds during the first 2 semesters.  I decided to start the diet phase during the summer.  The new problem that I had was that the pre-made salads from the grocery store were making me sick.  The smell would make me want to vomit.  I guess my body knew that I was going into my diet phase and didn’t like it.  I had to start making my own salads.  While I was doing the diet phase this time, everyday I would feel like I was going to pass out.  My ears would start to ring and I would get dizzy.  I would have to take a few deep breaths to keep myself from passing out.  I was driving one time when it happened and it scared me.  I decided to go to the doctor.  I was hoping that they would find something wrong with me so that I could continue to lie to myself.  I knew I wasn’t taking in enough calories.  I knew in my soul that I was hurting myself but the weight was coming off.  I made the doctors appointment and they didn’t find anything.  They just took some blood and did a physical exam.  Everything came back normal.  I told the doctor that I was on a diet but she didn’t ask me what I was eating.  If she had asked me then I would have told her exactly how little I was eating.  I couldn’t lie to myself anymore but I didn’t know how to stop myself.  I was losing weight which was my goal.

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