Relapses

Over the past 12 years, I’ve been struggling with this eating disorder.  I would be lying if I told you that I don’t worry a little bit about having a relapse.  Just today I ate some muffins.  Now I’m bloated and my stomach hurts.  It’s hard to eat unhealthy when you eat so healthy.  I’ve had about 4 relapses over the years.  When I’m in the diet phase I feel so in control and when I’m on the binging phase I feel so out of control.  This time is different.  I want to be healthy.  I’ve found a way to eat healthy that works for me.  When I was on my diet programs, I couldn’t sustain them for long.  I could only go about 6 months and then I would be back on my binging phase again.  The binging phase could last for years.  With the help of my health coach, I’ve been on this healthy eating for about a year now.  I can sustain this program.  I’m eating foods I like and I still cheat occasionally but for the most part I eat healthy.  I see first hand everyday what not taking care of yourself can lead to.  I went shopping today for clothes and I felt so good about myself.  I still have 18 more pounds to lose but I really needed new clothes.  My scrubs were hanging off of me.  I was tired of always having to pull up my pants at work.  I haven’t worn shorts in over 4 years.  I wore shorts for the first time last week when I went para-sailing.  Tomorrow I’m going for a hot air balloon ride!  I’m taking more chances and doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m even doing things by myself, which for me is a big deal.  I would usually wait for my friends to be available before doing certain things.  Now, I’m going out and doing what I want on my own.  I’m para-sailing and going for a hot air balloon ride.  Hopefully when I get back home, I can do some of those things with my friends or family.  Every day I have to make the decisions about what I’m going to eat.  I have to choose healthy food choices so that I won’t have a relapse again.  I can no longer take the easy way out and just eat doughnuts or fast food.  I have to take care of myself.

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