Ever since high school, I have wanted to fall in love. When I was little, I would watch the Disney movies and wish that I had a knight in shining armor. My favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. I loved the songs. My favorite song from the movie was Part of my World. Ariel is still my favorite Disney princess.
I used to think that when my husband came into my life that I would automatically be happy and live happily ever after.
I’ve only had 2 boyfriends. After the third date, I could feel it in my spirit that they were not the one that God wanted me to be with. I guarded my heart after I got that feeling. I still dated them hoping that God would change the plan. I spent most of the relationships trying to prove to God that I would be good with them. But the plan never changed. Eventually I had to let them go because it wasn’t fair to them. It wasn’t fair of me to be in a relationship that I knew wasn’t going to go anywhere. My last boyfriend was talking about marriage. As soon as he brought it up, I knew that it was time to break up. I couldn’t marry him. He was a good man but I couldn’t spend my life with him. I was still waiting to be rescued from my unhappiness.
I decided I needed to be by myself and get to know myself. At that point, I wasn’t even comfortable being by myself. I liked being in relationships. I equated being single with there being something wrong with myself.
I also decided that I needed to rescue myself. I couldn’t wait for a knight in shining armor or my future husband. I wanted to be happy now and not put it off for a future date.
Asking for help has never been my strong point. I knew I needed something different, if I was going to rescue myself. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it means that you were strong enough to recognize that you needed help.
Rescuing myself meant that I was going to have to get to know myself, good and bad. I was going to have to face myself and change. My dreams were showing me what I was going to be in the future. I could see that new Shavawn and see how happy she was with herself.
The first step I took was to look for a therapist that specialized in eating disorders. I wasn’t able to find any in my area. I felt that if I got to the bottom of why I turned to food to soothe myself, I could then work on my other issues. Thankfully I found a life coach.
The second step was to do the work and change. I had to change my eating habits and get to know myself. My life coach broke my goals down into small doable steps. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes it was hard work. I do like that she never told me to give up the doughnuts. She allowed me to give them up when I was ready. When I found out why I turned to food to soothe myself, it became easier for me to give them up. Change isn’t easy by any means. Change asks that you get out of your comfort zone. That can be down right scary at times. I was scared right before I did my first ever open mic night but I did it anyways. As my life coach says, “showing up is the hardest part”.
Now I’m no longer waiting for the “knight in shining armor”. I know who my future husband is. I love him flaws and all. When he finds me, he will find a woman who is happy and loves herself.
Now that I’ve put in the work of rescuing myself, I can live the life of my dreams. If I could talk to the old Shavawn, I would tell her that she can do this. I would tell her that it may be scary at times but that you can get through it. You may lose some friends along the way but you will gain so many more people that love you. Trust in your dreams. The universe will take care of you.
I have finally fallen in love. I’m in love with myself!!