I was telling another nurse about some of the things I had done recently, like going para-sailing and a hot air balloon ride.  She asked me if I was dong a bucket list or if I was bored.  I told her no.  I’m just doing things that I’ve always wanted to do but I was always waiting on other people to be available to do them.  I realized that my last vacation was in 2006.  I took off 3 months in 2015 while looking for a travel nurse job but I didn’t go anywhere.  For the past 9 years, I’ve stayed in the Atlanta area.  After becoming a travel nurse, I realized that I have to become comfortable with doing things by myself.  If you wait for other people you will wait and not be doing anything.  The cool part about doing things by yourself is you can choose to do anything.  You don’t have to worry about this person doesn’t like heights or this person doesn’t want to do it.  You can do things on your schedule.  It’s very hard to get people together.  Some people work day shift and some work night shift.  I’m very proud of myself for doing things by myself.  I have so many things that I’m doing right now, I don’t have time to be bored.  When I was by myself, I got to really know myself.  People can call it doing a bucket list but I just say that I’m doing things that I’ve wanted to do.

I’ve recently been watching a show on TLC called my 600 pound life.  I can relate to a lot of the issues on this show.  I can relate when some of them said that they blank out when they eat.  Which means that they don’t feel anything.  They escape from their feelings.  It’s only temporary but that is why you have to keep eating the food to keep getting that numbing feeling.  Sometimes when you binge, you get “high”.  You feel the most incredible excitement.  I would almost not even want to get full so that I could keep eating more.  I wanted that excitement to last forever.  It would only last as soon as the last doughnut was eaten and then I would start to feel guilty and horrible about myself.  I would stay at home and not go out much.  I felt like a prisoner in my body.  I hated the way I looked in clothes.  I would make up excuses when friends asked me to go out so that I could stay at home.  I would be excited to go out until I started to try on my clothing and then my self esteem would go down because I didn’t like the way the clothes fit me.  I didn’t like that I had to get a bigger size in my clothing.  Another issue from the show is that when the patients go to the doctor they lie about what they have been eating.  They say that they don’t know why they haven’t lost any weight but they are in denial.  I was in denial too.  I was embarrassed and scared to tell the truth about what I was actually eating.  I only binged when I was alone.  It’s very hard to change your eating habits, especially when you have been using food to deal with your emotions.  Food is always there.  Even now when some of my patients want to thank me they get their family members to bring in doughnuts or a cake to us.  Now I usually just leave it for the other nurses.  Sometimes it’s hard to say no.  I still remember how the doughnuts taste.  I indulge sometimes but not all the times like I used to do.  I have other things to lean on now.  I talk to my friends and my parents now.  I have a blog.  I go out to exercise.  I sit by a river or a lake.  That rejuvenates me.  It makes me feel so peaceful when I’m sitting by a river or a lake.  I can relate to their struggles.  It’s a daily struggle to show yourself that you love yourself.  Some days I get lazy.  Some days I’m tired after work.  I go to work and give so much to my patients, that when I get home I’m just tired.  I don’t feel like exercising and I don’t even feel like eating.  I just feel like going to bed.  I’ve learned that if I fall off the wagon, I just need to get back up and continue.  In the past, if I binged then I would just continue binging.  Now if I have a doughnut, I don’t continue to eat just doughnuts.  I still eat my raw vegetables and my smoothie.  I don’t feel guilty.  I’m just human.  I don’t deny myself what I want.  I also don’t give in every time I feel like it.  I examine my emotions and figure out why I’m having a craving.  I journal it and get it out.  I’m making progress and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely done.  This is some thing that I’m going to be working on for the rest of my life and I’m finally up for the challenge.

I went rock climbing with some friends last year.  I didn’t expect to get a life lesson from it.  If you pay attention, you can get a life lesson from some unexpected places.  One day, I woke up and heard some crows cawing really loudly.  I looked out of my window and saw a hawk on the roof of my neighbor’s house.  The hawk was surrounded by four crows.  The hawk didn’t move and when the crows came near it, the hawk would just ruffle it’s feathers and the crows would back off.  Eventually the crows left the hawk alone and the hawk stayed on the roof.  The lesson I got from that was, that is how you have to handle your haters.  You have to stand your ground and not let them move you from where you want to be.  So I went rock climbing for the first time and I would get halfway up the wall and get scared.  I would look down and see how far I had gone and I would look up and see where I wanted to be.  When you are on the wall, sometimes you can’t see where you need to put your feet to get to the top.  Rock climbing is like a puzzle where you have to figure out the best place to put your feet to get you to the top.  The first time rock climbing, I didn’t make it to the top because I was scared.  At that point in my life, I had started working with my health coach and I was in a major transition.  I could see the old Shavawn and where I didn’t want to be anymore and I could see in my dreams the new Shavawn and where I was going to be.  Sometimes you need help to get you to where you need to be.  Some things you have to do on your own.  You have to know when you need help and when to do things on your own.  No one can eat healthy for you.  No one can exercise for you.  No one can learn life lessons for you.  I’ve very grateful for the people who are in my life now and helping me.  Get out into the world and learn all you can!!!  You may make mistakes but mistakes are just lessons.

Over the past 12 years, I’ve been struggling with this eating disorder.  I would be lying if I told you that I don’t worry a little bit about having a relapse.  Just today I ate some muffins.  Now I’m bloated and my stomach hurts.  It’s hard to eat unhealthy when you eat so healthy.  I’ve had about 4 relapses over the years.  When I’m in the diet phase I feel so in control and when I’m on the binging phase I feel so out of control.  This time is different.  I want to be healthy.  I’ve found a way to eat healthy that works for me.  When I was on my diet programs, I couldn’t sustain them for long.  I could only go about 6 months and then I would be back on my binging phase again.  The binging phase could last for years.  With the help of my health coach, I’ve been on this healthy eating for about a year now.  I can sustain this program.  I’m eating foods I like and I still cheat occasionally but for the most part I eat healthy.  I see first hand everyday what not taking care of yourself can lead to.  I went shopping today for clothes and I felt so good about myself.  I still have 18 more pounds to lose but I really needed new clothes.  My scrubs were hanging off of me.  I was tired of always having to pull up my pants at work.  I haven’t worn shorts in over 4 years.  I wore shorts for the first time last week when I went para-sailing.  Tomorrow I’m going for a hot air balloon ride!  I’m taking more chances and doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m even doing things by myself, which for me is a big deal.  I would usually wait for my friends to be available before doing certain things.  Now, I’m going out and doing what I want on my own.  I’m para-sailing and going for a hot air balloon ride.  Hopefully when I get back home, I can do some of those things with my friends or family.  Every day I have to make the decisions about what I’m going to eat.  I have to choose healthy food choices so that I won’t have a relapse again.  I can no longer take the easy way out and just eat doughnuts or fast food.  I have to take care of myself.

My health coach told me a couple of weeks ago that I was cooking.  I don’t consider what I do to be cooking.  Cooking to me means using the stove and baking.  I haven’t used a stove or baked in over 3 years.  When I moved into my rental townhouse 3 years ago, the stove was broken.  The landlord told me I could fix it and take it out of the rent.  I had no need to fix it.  At that point, I was eating doughnuts, lunchables, and take out food only.  Right now I’m just putting raw food together.  I use the blender to make my smoothies but I don’t consider that cooking.  The salad is just putting raw ingredients together.  My boss power meals are just raw ingredients.  I don’t cook my vegetables.  I eat them raw.  I know how to cook.  My mom taught me when I was little.  My dad would always send me into the kitchen when I was little to learn how to cook.  I was never excited to learn how to cook.  I hated it.  I still hate it.  Right now I don’t spend more than 10 minutes getting my food ready.  I love it.

Shavawn’s Boss Power Meal

Chicken Breast

A handful of baby carrots

Grapes or Cherries or Orange Slices (any fruit that you like)

Harvest Snaps pea crisps

I’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks.  I moved to Florida, l started a new job, and I broke up with a friend.  Through all this I learned that I am very adaptable.  I changed up my prayers.  I started to ask God, what is my job for the day.  What do I need to focus on and what do I need to let go.  My health coach gave me this idea.  It worked.  I started to look at the positive side of life.  I let go of worry.  I still have 2 best friends and many more friends.  I grieved for a little bit but now I really am fine with my decision.  I started a new job.  The people are very nice and helpful.  It’s only 30 minutes from my condo.  I don’t have to drive an hour to work anymore.  I can wake up at 5am instead of 4am.  I’m in Florida.  I’m like 30 minutes away from where my future husband lives.  My dreams of him have become more frequent since I moved to Florida.  I had my first past life regression before I moved down to Florida.  I was a general and I’ve been an Indian man.  I met a monk while I was hypnotized.  The message that I took away from the regression is that I am always taken care of.  I’ve seen my guardian angels when my third eye opens at night.  God has always provided for me and taken care of me.  I would be dead if God hadn’t helped me.  Sometimes I don’t even have to speak my needs aloud and God provides them.  It’s only been a week and a half in Florida and I’m already getting familiar with the area and feeling at home here.  My co-workers are very friendly.  My preceptor is very funny.  By focusing on what is going right in your life, you won’t have time to focus on what isn’t going right in your life.  Even when my car got hit in the parking lot, God took care of me.  The person left his business card and a note.  I just got the check from his insurance company and I can get my bumper fixed.  You really realize how truly blessed you are even through the hard times.  I’m really grateful that God has allowed me to see some of my dreams come true.  I’ve wanted to be a travel nurse for 10 years now and I am finally a travel nurse.  I cannot wait to see my other dreams come true.  I am truly blessed to have a lot of family and friends.

So tomorrow I’ll be moving to Florida.  I have that excited nervous feeling right now.  I get that feeling every time I do something out of my comfort zone.  Which in the past 10 months has been a lot.  I spoke at my first ever open poetry night.  I started a blog.  I started doing yoga.  I started to meditate.  I started hiking.  I became a travel nurse.  I had my first past life regression.  For the first time in my life, I won’t have any family or friends nearby.  I have to admit, I had some muffins yesterday.  I needed that comfort because I realized that I was really going to Florida by myself.  I had thought that my parents were going to be able to come and help me unpack or drive.  They won’t be able to help me.  So I’m on my own.  My first travel nursing job was so great!  The people were so nice and helpful.  It was the perfect first travel job.  I’ve already planned some of the new things that I want to do in Florida.  I want to para sail and zip line.  Hopefully meet the love of my life.  I want to go whale watching.  I just want to enjoy my life.  As a travel nurse my days off feel like a vacation.  I get to explore new areas and meet new people.  I’m out of my comfort zone and I’ve never felt so alive!!

When I first started to work with my health coach, she suggested since I didn’t like to cook that I make a smoothie.  I decided to try it out.  I got some of the ingredients.  Some of the ingredients I had to order online.  The first day I had all the ingredients, I went to the grocery store to get the bananas.  The bananas were supposed to be frozen but I didn’t think it would make a difference.  I was so wrong.  Instead of almond milk, I used regular milk.  I put all the ingredients in the blender and it was a disaster.  The smoothie came out watery and brown.  I looked at it and I told myself that I had to at least try it.  I got a spoon and had 2 spoonfuls.  It tasted a little bitter.  I put it in the refrigerator hoping that after about 5 minutes of chilling in it, it would taste better.  When I went back to the fridge, it was even more brown and it looked disgusting.  I threw it out.  I got afraid in that moment.  If I didn’t like the smoothies, then what next.  Would my health coach have another solution that would allow me not to cook and not time consuming?  I told myself to keep trying and to actually follow the recipe that she had given me.  I finally got it right on the third try.  I realized why the strawberries and the bananas had to be frozen.  That third smoothie I loved it.  It wasn’t bitter, it was actually sweet.

My Smoothie Recipe:

4-5 frozen strawberries

1 frozen banana

7-8 blueberries (added by my mom one day without me asking, but it helped)

1 teaspoon of protein powder (Vega Sport Performance Protein berry flavor)

1 tablespoon of coconut butter (Kevala Coconut Butter)

2 teaspoons ground flax seed

1 handful of baby kale

almond milk (almond breeze vanilla flavor)  just enough to cover the fruit

Whether patients know it or not, they affect the nurse.  I may not always tell a patient that but it’s true.  I still remember the best patient I’ve ever had.  The patient was so grateful to be alive and it was just radiating from the patient.  It was a joy to take care that patient.  *Another patient that affected me the most was a young man.  He was in his early 20s.  He had had diabetes since he was a child.  He came to the hospital to have his leg amputated.  Even before the amputation, he couldn’t get up by himself to the bathroom.  I tried to teach him about diet and exercise but it fell on deaf ears.  He was literally just beginning in life and he was going to have a limb amputated.  A month later he had to come back to the hospital to have a little bit more of his leg amputated.  I decided that if I wanted to see my patients change, then I was going to have to be the change I wanted to see in them.  At that point, I was 180 pounds.  I would get winded just going up one flight of stairs or walking fast down the hallway.  I hadn’t exercised in years.  I hadn’t eaten a vegetable or fruit in months.  I lived off of doughnuts and fast food.  I didn’t love myself.  I spent so much money on fast foods and doughnuts.  I have saved so much money now that I eat healthy.  I no longer go to the grocery store to get doughnuts or jump in my car to get fast foods.  Sometimes I would drive 30 minutes from my house to get fast food because I had already been to the fast food restaurants around my house that week.  I didn’t want the fast food workers to get too familiar with me and then they would know how much fast food I ate a week.  I wanted them to think that this was a once a week thing.  I remember, when I was checking out at a grocery store, the cashier asked me why I would buy doughnuts when I had all this other healthy food in my cart.  I made up a lie and said they were for work.  In reality that was my breakfast.  When I went grocery shopping, I would put fruits and vegetables in the cart.  They would eventually end up in the trash.  I didn’t want any one to know that I was just going to the grocery store for doughnuts to eat.  I wasted so much food.  I could have fed the homeless with all the food I threw away.  One time, I actually ate a healthy meal.  It was pork chops and potatoes.  I got sick 30 minutes later.  I hadn’t eaten “real food” in months.  My system was so used to fast food and doughnuts, it got confused when I ate real food.  It was like I was living a double life.  I had to portray to the patients that I knew how to eat healthy and exercise but I wasn’t living that kind of life.

 

*Identifying factors of the patient have been changed to protect the privacy of the patient.

I had just gotten my first job working as an RN in a hospital back in 2011.  It was a very stressful job but it taught me so much.  When I became the charge nurse, it got even more stressful.  I lived an hour away from the job.  I had to wake up at 4 am and leave my house by 5:15 am to make it to work on time.  I would never have time to take a lunch break.  I would eat 2 small sausage biscuits before I left the house.  The biscuits were the frozen ones from the grocery store.  During my 12 hour shift, and sometimes 16 hour shifts, I would have 2 packs of graham crackers and some apple juice.  When I was driving home, I would feel like I was going to pass out.  I was so sleepy and tired.  Sometimes I would have to stop on the side of the road and take some deep breaths to keep myself awake.  I would also have to drink a Coke to help myself stay awake.  I was getting worried that I would harm myself or someone else on the road.  Some days I would get home from work and think to myself, if it wasn’t for the grace of God I wouldn’t be here.  I would be in the car driving, slapping myself, singing at the top of my lungs, and dancing to stay awake.  I always had the air conditioner on.  It was snowing one time and I had the AC on.  So I went to the doctor because I wanted to see if there was anything wrong with me.  I got an appointment with the nurse practitioner instead.  She did a complete physical and took some blood.  She surprised me by asking me if I took my lunch break.  I told her no.  Most days I just worked through my lunch break.  Some times I wouldn’t eat for 9 hours.  Some days I didn’t even take a bathroom break until my shift was over.  I told her what I ate.  She told me that I wasn’t eating enough to keep a baby alive.  She was the only one in the medical field that stressed the importance of eating healthy and taking care of yourself.  If any one else had asked me what I was eating, I would have told them.  I didn’t tell her what I ate on my days off because she only asked what I was eating at work.  If she had of asked I would have told her that I was eating doughnuts almost every day when I was off.  I knew that wasn’t helping me feel any better.  That was contributing to my tiredness at work and while at home.  It would still take me a couple more years to get help for my eating disorder.