This letter is dedicated to my life coach, Karlee Fain.  Without your help and support, this would not be possible.

Dear Bad Sugars and hydrogenated oils,

We have to break up.  It is you and not me.  You suck.  You take me on an emotional roller coaster.  Your hydrogenated oil had me feeling like an addicted crack addict.  I was longing for your taste and unlasting comfort.  You literally had my emotions going up and down all day, every day.  The minute I tasted you, I would feel like I was on top of the world.  After the high was over, I would feel guilty and tired.  I would feel like I needed a nap, even if I had just gotten up.  You had my waistline expanding.  You had me feeling like a hypocrite while talking to my patients about their diets.  I allowed you to take my dreams from me.  I allowed you to change me into a person that I didn’t recognize.  You had me feeling unlovable and ugly.  I’ve allowed you to take my power for too long.  I’m taking it back.  I will be living a new life.  You are not invited.  I’m taking my health back too.  You cannot have that.  I will not let you destroy my body anymore.  Since I’ve let you go, I’m no longer tired.  I haven’t had to take a nap in months.  I’m exercising now.  I’m no longer on an emotional roller coaster.  My waistline has gotten smaller.  I’m living my dreams.  I’m no longer feeling ugly or unlovable.  I’m actually felling beautiful and strong.  I fell in love with this woman who I’ve become since leaving you.  My eyes are now open to the beauty of this world that I had been blinded to.  I’m out of my comfort zone and I’ve never felt so alive.

No Love,

Shavawn Boyer

Eating My Dreams

 

I used to eat my dreams.

One Krispy Kreme at a time.

The doughnuts never cared what I looked like.

They never cared whether I spoke up or not.

Krispy Kreme couldn’t judge me.

I allowed them to slowly eat away at my dreams.

How could I be a travel nurse and leave them behind?

So I sat there and swallowed my voice.

All the while trapped inside myself.

Screaming inside but no one could hear me but me.

One day I decided to listen to this woman inside of me.

I listened to her dreams and what she wanted to be.

I dreamed of her at night.

Once I listened to her, I couldn’t ignore her anymore.

I had to stop eating my dreams.

I put my boxing gloves on and fought for the woman inside.

No longer was this eating disorder going to stop my dreams.

No longer was I going to allow it to steal my voice.

I put my trust in God and started to tell my story.

The woman inside of me and I are now one.

I’m no longer eating my dreams, I’m living them.

I’m free.

 

Shavawn Boyer

 

So this Monday, I was having a very bad craving for doughnuts and some muffins.  So I did something that really surprised me.  I had an 11 am appointment that I was early for.  I got out really early.  While I was driving down the highway, I started to think about why I was craving those foods.  My life coach had said that when you crave soft foods that you’re really craving comfort.  While I was thinking about my feelings, I realized that I missed my family and friends.  The last time I saw my family was 2 days before Christmas.  I saw my friends about a month and a half ago.  On the spur of the moment decision, I decided to go to the park.  I had only been there once before, but I made it there without my GPS.  I didn’t have my journal but I had some paper and I just started to write in my journal sitting on a bench right next to the lake.  I saw some geese, ducks, and a quail.  It felt like I was comforting myself but I wasn’t medicating myself with food.  I was with God and nature.  It was a very healing experience.  I’ve discovered that I love being out in nature.  It makes me feel closer to God.  Being around water also makes me feel very calm.  I was born in July so I’m a cancer, which is a water sign.  God speaks to us in many different ways.  Even seeing those animals has a meaning.  My spirit animal is the killer whale.

One of the reasons that I decided to lose weight is because I was tired of feeling like a hypocrite.  Some times at work I would have to teach my patients about their diets.  Every time that I had to do this I would feel like a hypocrite.  I was 180 pounds and obese.  My health coach told me that when you’re obese, you wear that issue everyday.  People know that you have an issue with food.  My patients could tell that I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I would walk up one flight of stairs and be breathing like I just ran a marathon.  I wouldn’t take advice from a fat nutritionist.  Why should I have expected my patients to take my advice when it was so obvious that I wasn’t adhering to a diet.  If I wanted to see my patients change, then I was going to have to be the change that I wanted to see.  I’m not where I want to be with my weight but now I can tell my patients that it will be hard but you can do it.  I no longer feel like a hypocrite when I’m teaching my patients.  I can be truthful with them when I say it’s going to be hard.  There are going to be days when you don’t want to eat that salad.  There are going to be days when you don’t feel like exercising.  I still have days like that when I don’t want to eat that salad or drink that smoothie.  I have to show myself love and loving myself means treating myself to good food and exercise.  I just ate a muffin but I’m going to exercise and eat a healthy lunch and dinner.  I still eat a muffin or pizza from time to time.  For the most part, I eat healthy foods.  I tell my patients that it’s about moderation.  You can still go out to eat, just don’t have the fried foods or don’t eat the whole portion that they give you.  Take some home for lunch or dinner the next day.

As soon as I heard about travel nursing, I knew that that was my dream job.  In LPN school, a travel nurse came to talk to us.  My soul lit up when she was talking.  It took me 10 years to become a travel nurse.  I let so many things get in the way of my dreams. The biggest thing was my weight.  I didn’t want to be a fat travel nurse.  I didn’t want the new people that I would meet, to meet the fat Shavawn.  I wanted them to meet the new and improved me.  I had an opportunity about 2 years ago to become a travel nurse.  I put it off because I was still fat.  With the help of my life coach, I realized that I didn’t need to be skinny to be a travel nurse.  I could go after my dreams while still losing weight.  It was time to stop putting my dreams on hold so that I could lose weight.  I’ve lost 20+ pounds and I’m on my first assignment as a travel nurse.  I’m not where I want to be in the weight department but I’m getting there.  I’m 2 months into my first travel nurse assignment and I can officially say that I was born to be a travel nurse.  I love it.  I can’t believe that I let my weight get in the way of this dream.  Someone told me recently that being a travel nurse agrees with me.  I look relaxed and happy.  I wasn’t happy when I was working in a permanent position because I knew that I could be a travel nurse.  I was dying on the inside everyday because I was putting my dreams on hold.  The reasons that I was putting my dreams on hold weren’t valid.  I’m so glad that I finally got the courage to pursue this dream.

Back in April, I was looking to lose some weight.  I knew I didn’t want to continue on the same roller coaster that I had been on for more than 10 years.  I was on Lil Wayne’s facebook page, and there was a health coach, Karlee Fain, that was selling her book.  It was a grocery store guide.  I downloaded her book and liked it.  I went on to her website called everybodythrive.com.  I wanted to get to the root of my eating disorder so I filled out the application for her to be my health coach.  I remember that I was nervous after filling out the application.  I was honest on the application.  I told her about my eating disorder on there.  So we set up a call so that we could talk about her program and to see if she would work with me or if it would be her associate that would work with me.  I remember being so nervous on that first call because I was asking for help and I wanted to work with Karlee.  She had helped my future husband.  At that point I didn’t care about how much it was going to cost.  I looked at this as an investment in my future.  My dreams weren’t going to come true if I continued on the path that I was going.  I knew I needed a change.  I was going to destroy myself if I kept eating the way I was.  I was on the fast track to diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity, and an early death.  The woman I saw in my visions was happy, healthy, she loved herself, and her dreams were coming true.  I wanted to be that woman from my visions.  It was clear to me that I didn’t love myself.  I needed to work on falling back in love with myself.  You can’t love yourself if you don’t treat your body or mind kindly.  You do that by feeding yourself healthy food and exercising.  It isn’t a sign of weakness to ask for help.  It’s a sign of strength.

While I was in RN school, we had the summer off.  I had gained about 20 pounds during the first 2 semesters.  I decided to start the diet phase during the summer.  The new problem that I had was that the pre-made salads from the grocery store were making me sick.  The smell would make me want to vomit.  I guess my body knew that I was going into my diet phase and didn’t like it.  I had to start making my own salads.  While I was doing the diet phase this time, everyday I would feel like I was going to pass out.  My ears would start to ring and I would get dizzy.  I would have to take a few deep breaths to keep myself from passing out.  I was driving one time when it happened and it scared me.  I decided to go to the doctor.  I was hoping that they would find something wrong with me so that I could continue to lie to myself.  I knew I wasn’t taking in enough calories.  I knew in my soul that I was hurting myself but the weight was coming off.  I made the doctors appointment and they didn’t find anything.  They just took some blood and did a physical exam.  Everything came back normal.  I told the doctor that I was on a diet but she didn’t ask me what I was eating.  If she had asked me then I would have told her exactly how little I was eating.  I couldn’t lie to myself anymore but I didn’t know how to stop myself.  I was losing weight which was my goal.

It was 2009 and I was in RN nursing school.  For psychology class, we had to attend a 12 step program and write a paper about it.  In LPN school, I had attended an alcoholics anonymous 12 step program.  I didn’t want to do AA again.  At this point I had fallen off of the diet wagon.  I was in my binging phase.  I would only eat twice a day.  For lunch, I would eat doughnuts or chocolate chip muffins or a cake.  I would eat until I felt full.  For dinner, I would eat whatever my mom cooked.  I looked up a 12 step program for anorexia and I came across overeaters anonymous.  There was a meeting very close to my house so I decided to go to it.  When I arrived at the meeting, it was only 5 other people there.  I was supposed to tell everybody that I was a nursing student and just sit in the back and not participate.  I felt like they wouldn’t be honest if I said that.  Everybody introduced themselves as an overeater.  So I said, “Hi, my name is Shavawn and I’m an overeater.”  Immediately after saying it, I could feel that it was the truth.  My soul recognized that I was telling the truth.  The class was on the step of making amends to people.  I have to say that I had a prejudice against one of the women in the class.  She was talking more than the others and she wasn’t overweight.  All the other people, including myself were overweight.  I had to check myself.  When I first starting to overeat, I wasn’t overweight.  So after the class was over I went to the grocery store.  I bought a small pound cake and ate the whole thing when I got home.  I had learned how to eat in public.  I never binged in front of anyone.  I always binged in private.  When I was in public, I would eat healthy.  While I was binging, all my problems would go away.  It was like I was high.  After the binge was over, I would feel guilty and weak.  I didn’t love myself.

So 2 years after I lost weight with L.A. Weight Loss, I had gained all the weight back.  I was on my binge phase.  I ate mostly doughnuts, cakes, and fast food.  I was up to 155 pounds.  I looked up L.A. Weight Loss but they had shut down their stores by then.  I adapted their diet plan.  So for breakfast, I would have half of a 100 calorie bagel with some butter on it.  I would either have an apple or applesauce with it and then 8 oz. of milk.  For a snack in between breakfast and lunch, I would have a 100 calorie snack pack.  For lunch, it would either be 3 cups of spinach and 3 ounces of fish or 2 cups of lettuce and 4 ounces of chicken.  I found that salad dressing had too many calories in it so I started to use the honey mustard sauce instead for salad dressing.  Another 100 calorie snack pack in between lunch and dinner.  For dinner, it was either 1/2 cup cooked vegetables and some meat.  I basically ate like that until I lost 30 pounds.  I could only keep up with this diet for about 7 months.  I found that when I said no to foods that I liked, I would get this weird high.  I felt in control and powerful because I could say no to bad foods.  At the time I thought I was in control but I wasn’t.  It made me feel good, when people said that I looked like I was losing weight.  There would come a point, every day that I would feel like I was about to pass out.  My ears would start ringing and I would feel faint.  I didn’t pass out, I just took 2 deep breaths and the feeling would pass.  Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I would do an hour of cardio.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would do pilates.  I would also drink about 5 or 6 water bottles a day.

 

I just started my first travel job last Thursday.  I moved down to Macon,GA on October 24th.  My mom came with me to help me.  It’s about a two hour drive from my parent’s house to Macon.  We left a little later than we wanted to so my mom couldn’t stay and help me unpack.  When I was watching my mom drive away, I felt very overwhelmed and lonely.  I was out of my comfort zone.  I was in a strange town.  My closest family was about 30 minutes away.  All my life, I was used to being around the Atlanta area or surrounded by family and friends.  Even when I went away to college, I was only 30 minutes from my parents and I had my best friends at college with me.  This is the first time in my life that I’ve been by myself.  I’ve wanted to be a travel nurse for about 10 years now.  I didn’t think about how I would feel when I actually became a travel nurse.  After my mom went back home, I went grocery shopping.  Thank God I chose an extended stay hotel with a full kitchen.  While at the grocery store I picked up some Krispy Kreme doughnuts, the 6 pack.  I haven’t had a craving for doughnuts in about 2 months when I had to move back in with my parents for a while.  I still bought healthier foods too.  When I got back to my hotel room, I immediately ate the doughnuts.  I couldn’t finish all 6 of them which surprised me.  When I was eating doughnuts every day, I was able to put 6 down with no problem.  After 4 I was full.  I knew why I was craving the doughnuts, I was craving comfort.  I didn’t know the area.  It also didn’t help that I couldn’t call my best friend.  She was in Nigeria dealing with her own problems.  I emailed my health coach.  I had forgotten that I could have called her.  I wrote down in my journal everything that I was feeling.  In those first 2 days, I literally rethought my decision to become a travel nurse.  I told myself that I would give myself a month.  If I was still feeling like this in a month, then I would go back to Atlanta and find a permanent job at a hospital.  I’ve wanted to be a travel nurse ever since a travel nurse came to speak to our class in LPN school back in 2004.  It combines the two things I love, traveling and nursing.  God even showed me that I was going to be a travel nurse.  I’m going to meet my future husband while I’m a travel nurse.  Even knowing all those things, I still wanted to turn around and go back to my comfort zone.  By the end of the first week, I was starting to feel comfortable being in Macon.  When I started the travel job, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  The nurses on the floor are helpful and they don’t mind me asking a lot of questions.  I thought I would be thrown out on the floor without orientation.  I had orientation on Thursday and I worked on Friday and Saturday.  Even after just 2 days, I’m getting back into the swing of nursing.  I took a 3 month break before I started this job.  I’m no longer feeling overwhelmed.  I went to a yoga class on Sunday.  Thank God my health coach found a yoga studio.  When I was telling the yoga instructor that I was a travel nurse, I felt very happy and proud of myself.  I’m finally living one of my dreams.  It took 10 years to manifest but with God and my health coach, I did it.  It feels so surreal sometimes when I wake up and realize that I’m living one of my dreams.  I used to be afraid to live this dream because then what would my dream be next.  I was afraid of what was to come next.  I didn’t know what my next dream would be.  God has showed me what my next dream will be.  Stay tuned!!!!