Hello Shavawn!!  I love you.  For the past year and a half, I’ve been working on myself.  While at first I was scared of changing, now I feel like I’m finally stepping into the woman that I was meant to be.  I stepping into the woman that I saw in my dreams.  The changes that I’ve done feel so natural.  Now I laugh at myself when I think of how scared I used to be to change and really get to know myself.  For the last 10 years, I’ve felt a pull from God to help people and to share what I was learning.  I used to be scared to do that.  I was scared of what other people would say or think.  Now the thought of helping even one person outweighs that fear of what some other people will say or think.  I didn’t even know that I would have a blog or taking care of myself like I am.  One of the many reasons that I wanted to change myself was my future husband.  I didn’t want him to find me waiting on him to make me happy.  That’s a huge burden to put on anybody else’s shoulders.  Only I am responsible for my happiness.  I wanted him to find me being happy all by myself.  I wanted him to find me having a full life.  I want my husband to add to my happiness.  I used to be scared to do things by myself.  When my friends and I made plans to meet, if I was the first one there, I would sit in the car until one of them showed up.  I was scared to sit in public by myself because I was afraid that other people would think that I had no friends.  Now I’ve gone para-sailing, hot air ballooning, and went on a swamp tour all by myself.  I didn’t even care that I was alone.  It made me proud of myself to be doing fun things by myself.  Someone recently told me they were envious of me because I was really living my life.  I told her that she could have adventures just like I was having.  I just had to make little small changes and that led to even bigger changes.  Yes I had help from my guardian angel, Karlee Fain.  I recently read a book called “The Power Of No.”  One of the lines really helped me.  “When you start to dip your toes into your personal honesty, your family might stop speaking to you.  Some of your friends might also stop speaking to you.  Some of your colleagues might avoid you.  This is a good sign because it means you are transforming yourself into who you really are, and in turn your personal network/tribe/community will shift and transform.”  I’ve personally experienced this.  Even though my ex best friend stopped speaking to me, I still feel like I’m becoming who I was always meant to be.  That statement encouraged me.  I can finally say to myself, hello Shavawn!!  I love you!!  I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything.

Since becoming a nurse, I’ve realized that I don’t like holidays like I used to.  When I didn’t have to work the holidays, I was so happy.  Now that I have to work on most holidays I can’t celebrate like I used to either.  I don’t get to spend as much time with my family as I like around the holidays.  I especially don’t like to work around fourth of July.  Neighbors set off fireworks from 6pm to 2am and sometimes even later than that.  At my last job, I had to wake up at 4am and I had an hour long drive to work.  When I get in the bed early and fireworks start and don’t stop until 2am, I can’t sleep.  I save lives for a living and I need my sleep.  Yes, I can function on 3 hours of sleep, but I never know how busy my day is going to be.  I have to be at my best to make decisions at work.  I get in the bed early when I have to go to work so I can get enough sleep.  It’s hard to get sleep when your neighbors are setting off fireworks.  I’m not saying that people can’t enjoy their holidays and set off fireworks.  People should just be considerate of other people.  At least stop the fireworks at 1am so I can at least get 4 hours of sleep.  I’ve had some neighbors setting off fireworks after July 6.  It’s very annoying to get woken up at 5am by fireworks.  I wish I could sleep in and not work every holiday but I can’t.  Just be considerate to other people.  There may be a healthcare worker in your neighborhood that has to work on a holiday.

About 2 years ago, I decided to get laser hair removal.  I bought it as a birthday gift to myself.  I always get myself a birthday gift.  I was so excited.  I decided to get it done to my arms and legs.  A week after my birthday, I went in for my first treatment.  They said it would hurt and it did.  It felt like a rubber band was being snapped across my skin.  To get through it, I started to concentrate on my breathing and started singing to myself in my head.  I couldn’t even finish the treatment.  It hurt so much.  I finished my arms and did half of my legs.  My skin was red but I expected that.  The nurse told me the redness would go away.  For 2 days, my skin was red.  I put aloe vera on my arms and legs.  The redness went away.  For 2 more days, my skin was fine.  I went to sleep on the fourth night and woke up with dark brown spots on my arms and legs.  I was in shock.  I looked like a leopard.  I called the hair removal place and made an appointment to get seen.  They couldn’t tell me why it happened.  They said that they had never seen anything like this happen.  They told me to go to a dermatologist.  I was so nervous because I had an outdoor concert with my best friends coming up.  I made an appointment with a dermatologist.  She told me that the spots were caused my sun exposure.  She told me to start wearing sunscreen and to minimize my sun exposure.  I told her about my outdoor concert coming up.  She advised me not to go because the spots could become permanent.  She gave me a cream to use.  I really wanted to go to the concert but I decided not to go.  One of my friends was mad that I had decided not to go.  To be honest, I don’t know if she was mad or disappointed that I wasn’t going.  I didn’t talk to her about it.  I was more mad at myself for getting laser hair removal.  That experience taught me that your looks are temporary.  Literally overnight, your looks could be changed.  I’ve had patients who have gotten into an accident and their lives have been changed forever.  That experience also taught me that you have to do what is best for you.  If I had of gone to that concert, I would not have been comfortable.  The dermatologist said to wear pants and a long sleeve shirt.  The concert was in the middle of summer and outdoors.  I would have been really hot.  She also told me to put on sunscreen every 2 hours while I was outside.  I would have been worried about my skin.  Sometimes you have to say no to protect yourself.  I really did want to share that experience with my best friends.  Thankfully the spots have gone away but the lessons have not.  If I had of known that the spots would go away, maybe I would have gone to the concert but I didn’t know.  I know parts of my future but not all of them.  I’m still getting laser hair removal and the spots haven’t come back.

As a nurse, I hate when my patients ask me what is normal.  I can tell you what healthcare says is normal.  I recently had a patient ask me how often should a person have a bowel movement.  I told the patient it depends on what is the normal for that person.  Some people go every day, some go after every meal, some people go every other day, and some people go every 3 days.  You have to get to know what is normal for your body.  The patient admitted that they had never really paid attention to how often they go to the bathroom.  It is so important to know what is your normal.  That way you can know what is abnormal for you.  I love it when patients say I know my body and I know that this isn’t my normal.  My “normal” may be some else’s abnormal.  For example, when I got the flu.  It started off like a common cold.  I was getting congested and then I started to have body aches.  Almost every joint in my body was sore.  I knew immediately that this wasn’t a common cold and I needed to get to my doctor.  I ended up being diagnosed with the flu even though I had gotten the flu shot that year.  I can explain to the patient the “normal” course of a disease.  If the patient has other chronic diseases then that can affect the outcome of that particular disease.  A diabetic patient may take a little longer to heal from a bad cut on the knee or a fracture.  A newly diagnosed diabetic patient has to get used to their new “normal”.  I recently looked on the internet for the height and weight chart.  Almost every website had different information about what was the “normal” weight.  Some of the ranges for a person that is 5′ 4″ were 130-150 pounds, 111-146 pounds, or 120-145 pounds.  I also know that if my patient is a bodybuilder they are going to be considered obese by the height and weight charts.  I tell my patients they have to get to know their bodies and what is “normal” for them.  Now that I’m listening to my body, I can easily tell what my body needs.  When my veins start to pop out, I know that I need to drink more water because I’m getting dehydrated.  Usually when some of my patients are dehydrated it is hard for me to find their veins when I’m looking to put an IV in.

For most of my life, I’ve heard from men that I suffer from the no ass at all disease.  I cured myself of it when I gained weight and caught it again when I lost weight.  I used to let that get to me.  At one point in my life I wanted to get breast implants and get a bigger booty.  Thankfully at that point in my life, I couldn’t afford it.  Now I don’t let other people’s opinion of me get to me.  I now know that a woman’s worth isn’t her butt.  A woman’s worth isn’t her breasts.  A woman’s worth isn’t her hair.  A woman’s worth isn’t her clothes.  A woman’s worth isn’t the car that she drives.  A woman is so much more than her outer beauty.  I recently had someone call me a loose woman.  I didn’t feel the need to correct her.  I know the truth about myself.  I have been celibate for 7 years now.  I don’t need to defend myself all the time when other people choose to throw shade my way.  As long as God and I know the truth, other people’s opinion of me doesn’t matter to me anymore.  My opinion of myself means more to me than other people’s opinion.  Even if I was a loose woman that would still not diminish my worth.  I get to choose who I sleep with.  As the saying goes, “Never argue with a fool, they will always beat you with experience.”  Some people say that since I’m a nurse, then I must be a good waitress.  I know that I do so much more than get my patients some water and food.  I comfort the dying, I’m a therapist for the patient and their family members, and I teach my patients.  A person is so much more than what you see with your eyes.  How about looking at the person’s soul strength?  I love to hear stories of people going through hard times and not letting it change them into bitter or sour people.  I love to hear about people being cheated on and that person still holding onto hope that not all people are cheaters.  I have cheated on a boyfriend, but I didn’t like the way it made me feel about myself.  So I decided to not cheat anymore.  My name has been dragged through the mud, but I am still love myself.   I once had a patient who got into a car accident and the patient lost both legs and hands.  The patient was so grateful to be alive.  The patient’s soul strength amazed me.  I loved to take care of that patient because you could feel the love and the support from that patient’s family and friends when I would go into the room.  It motivated me.  If this patient could go through a horrible tragedy and still smile and be a happy person then I could be grateful for what I had and be happy.  At that point in my life, I was focused on what I didn’t have and comparing myself to other people.  I’m just now truly finding my soul strength.  I’m a work in progress and still grateful for everything that I have and everything that I have been through.

For the past 2 weeks, something my ex best friend has been bothering me.  She told me that it wasn’t her job to teach me how to be a good friend.  I appreciate the lesson that this statement has taught me.

But I respectfully disagree, it is our job to teach our friends how to treat us.

As I am growing and learning, I’ve found that what once worked for me doesn’t work for me anymore.  I don’t care anymore about celebrity gossip like I used to.  I like to talk about my dreams, past lives, and what I’m learning.  I’ve gotten back into reading books, which I used to do before nursing school happened.  I’ve always been a quiet person but now I’m sharing my experiences and lessons that I’ve learned.  Now I speak up when someone does me wrong and I don’t stay silent like I used to do.

But let me be clear, it is not your job to babysit people.  There is a big difference between telling someone how you like to be treated, and constantly having to remind them to be nice to you.

After you tell the person how you like to be treated, it is now up to that person to decide what to do with that information.  You may lose some people because of it but that is ok.  Maybe they will change and they can remain in your life and be supportive.  I have never liked it when people have pointed out my flaws but I do recognize that it is a necessary part of life.  It helps me to grow.  I also recognize that some of my “flaws” are a part of who I am.  Some people have said that I’m too nice and they have told me it is a flaw.  I don’t see that as a flaw, I see it as an awesome part of myself.  For example, when I go to work I may have to give a patient an enema.  I don’t like giving an enema but I also recognize that it is a part of my job.  My first enema didn’t go so well, poop was flying everywhere.

So I say yes you are your friend’s teacher, but more so, you are your own advocate!
It is your life and you have the power to choose who will stay in your life and who won’t.  As a nurse, I have to be my patient’s advocate.  I have to speak up for them.  Sometimes that means that I have to go against what the patient wants for their own good.  I’m not giving a patient Dilaudid and Morphine at the same time.  I’m not trying to have my patient see Jesus.  In life you have to be your own advocate and sometimes that will mean that you need to let go of some people in your life.  Not because they are bad people but because they no longer serve a positive role in your life. Sometimes people may let you go and that’s ok too.  I appreciate everyone who is in my life right now.   They love me through the good and the bad.

Assholes have a purpose!!  Sorry for the language, but now that I have your attention let me explain.  Almost every one has that person in their life that they can’t stand.  It could be a co-worker or a family member.  Some one that you are forced to be around but that you wouldn’t choose to be around.  I have one of those people around me.  I was talking to my health coach and she stated that it’s usually the people that you can’t stand, that are your biggest teachers.  As a travel nurse, I know that every one isn’t going to like me and that some charge nurses are going to give me the hardest assignment.  I will also be the first one to be floated to another unit when necessary. One charge nurse, just doesn’t like me and will go out of her way to be mean and nasty at every opportunity.  I don’t allow her to get to me.  I know she wants to see me lose my cool and get mad.  She will change my assignment or she won’t speak to me when I say hello.  I can’t control her behavior but I can control my behavior.  She has taught me some lessons.  She has taught me when I need to speak up and when I need to go with the flow and say nothing.  She has taught me that even when people are mean to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to be mean to them.  I’m not going to stoop down to their level and be mean too.  She doesn’t get to choose my mood or my actions, I do!  No one can make me angry, happy, or sad.  I can only choose to be angry, happy, or sad.  I also remember that even though I don’t see her in a favorable light, she has a family.  She has people in her life that love her.  She is a human being.  For example, your butthole allows the poop to leave your body.  That is its purpose and without it you couldn’t get rid of the waste in your body.  Trust me when I say you need to get rid of that waste.  When I was on the South Beach diet, I didn’t poop for a month and was vomiting every night.  In conclusion, assholes have a purpose!  I just try to see the lesson that they are there to teach me.  Every opportunity allows me to grow and become a better person.  Sorry mom for the language.  Love you Mom! Thank you for being a great example and role model for me!

 

 

Almost every time I was in a relationship, I would put the guy over myself.  I would put his needs first and neglect my needs.  I remember when I had lost 31 pounds and my then boyfriend didn’t like it.  He said that I had lost my curves.  It made me feel bad because I wanted to be attractive to him.  I could tell from the way he acted that he didn’t like the weight lose.  One boyfriend meet me when I was in the process of losing weight.  He ate out a lot but he exercised so much that he didn’t gain any weight. Eventually I started to eat out with him.  I started gaining the weight back.  Unfortunately for me he liked it.  He would tell me that I now had curves and an ass.  I didn’t want to lose weight because he liked my body now.  He would make comments that when we first met I was too skinny.  I didn’t have an ass or my breasts were tiny when we first met.  In the course of our relationship I went from a size 6 to a size 14.  I didn’t like my body.  I was torn between wanting to lose weight and looking good to my boyfriend.  I chose to look good for him.  I was miserable with myself.  After that relationship ended I realized that I couldn’t put any body else’s needs over my own.  I was the only person who had to live in my body.  It didn’t matter if my exes liked my body when it was thick.  The only thing that mattered was that I didn’t like my body when I was thick.  It didn’t matter if people told me that I looked better with some weight on me.  I didn’t like my body when I had a lot of excess weight on it.  I learned that I had to look good for myself and not any one else.  I need to be happy with myself.  The journey had to start with getting to know myself and loving myself from the inside out.  Losing the weight now is just a side effect of loving myself.

My happiness isn’t in my bank account!  My happiness isn’t in my weight!  My happiness isn’t in my clothes!  My happiness isn’t in my car!  My happiness isn’t based on if I’m going to be rich or famous!  My happiness comes from within.  My happiness is found in helping other people.  My happiness comes from doing a job that I love.  My happiness comes from loving myself!  I talk to some people and they base their happiness on outer things.  If my wife comes back to me then I’ll be happy or once I lose the weight then I’ll be happy.  True happiness has to come from within.  That’s a life lesson that I had to learn the hard way.  Every time I would lose weight, I would think that I would automatically just become happy.  I would have moments of happiness but it would never stay long.  I would jump into relationships thinking that that would make me happy.  It never did.  I didn’t love myself.  I used to think that once I found a husband then I would be happy.  I was basing my happiness on another person.  I wasn’t happy with my life or with myself.  About a year and half ago, I was so uncomfortable with my life that I just knew that I couldn’t continue the same way that I had been living.  I had to make a change because I wasn’t happy.  I was renting a townhouse, I had a great job, and I had money in my bank account but I still wasn’t happy.  I started working on myself with the help of my life coach.  I got to know myself and fell in love with me!  I found the happiness in myself!  I found the courage inside of me that was always there.  My job is stressful but I wouldn’t change it for anything.  Every day brings a new challenge and you learn new things every day.  I started this blog to share my story and to help people but it’s done more for myself then I would have thought.  It’s very cathartic to share my story and to actually see where I’ve been and where I am now.  It’s cool to actually be able to see myself grow and change.    I finally found my happiness inside of myself!

 

Ever since I moved to Florida, when I eat my boss power meal some one asks me if I’m on a diet.  They ask me why am I eating raw carrots.  I tell them no, I’m just eating healthy.  They ask me how much weight I’ve lost.  I tell them and then they start to tell me about their mother or sister or cousin who is on a diet and how much weight they’ve lost.  DIETS DON’T WORK!!!  I’ve tried about 6 diets over the past 12 years.  I’ve only been able to keep up with them for at most 6 months.  One diet sent me to the ER and one diet gave me diarrhea.  DIETS ARE NOT PERSONALIZED!!  To make a lifestyle change, you have to find what works for you personally.  What works for your favorite celebrity may not work for you.  How long can you really keep up a cayenne pepper diet?  Since I don’t like to cook, I had to find things that didn’t require me to be in the kitchen cooking.  Most of the things I eat are raw foods.  Some times you need help to find what works for you.  Most women are used to being on a diet I realized.  I know at least 4 women in my life that are on a diet right now.  Every now and then I do indulge but I don’t do it every day.  For me it’s about balance.  I found the foods I love and so I have no problem eating them.  When I was on my diets, I wasn’t eating foods I love.  I was eating those foods because they helped me lose weight quickly.  As soon I got to the weight that I wanted to be at, I would stop eating those foods.  I would start to eat the foods that I loved which were sweets.  I would go back to my comfort foods.  Now I don’t need those comfort foods anymore because I get my comfort from traveling, going on adventures, and sharing my story.  I’m taking care of my spirit now, which is what I really needed all along.  SO I WILL NOT DIET AGAIN!!